So I had things put into perspective for me the other day by one of the other girls that I have group with. She summed it up for me that for where I am in my transition, i have lots to be proud of. Which is something that I hadn't realized. I am already living full time as a woman, with a job that supports me and lets me work like a regular person (for the most part), I'm already on T-blockers, I have a house that I feel safe at, a family that is as supportive as they can be and are trying there best, several friends who really care about me, and hell, I actually pass really well an top of it all. Its hard to not take something of meaning from all of that. I have some really exciting news to share too! I finally have my appointment to see my Endocrinologists in December. Which means, if all goes well, I could be on my Estrogen by Christmas. I'm so overly excited about this, but also terrified. But, it means that next year might just be the biggest year of my life. And definitely will be the biggest one to date anyways. Personally, I do hope that it is not the climax of my life.
Oh what to expect for next year? Hard to believe that this time next year, ill have some boobs. And maybe some hip’s and a bum too! Great, ill have to get all new pants as nothing is going to fit.
On less happy of fronts, I need to stop dreaming about my wedding. Even in my dreams it doesn't go well. Someone will stand up and make a comment about I shouldn't be getting married. And different things most of the time as to the why, from 'she is really a boy', to 'lesbians shouldn't get married', to the normal 'you should marry me not her' situations. And then there are the dreams where I'm up there in my dress, and suddenly everyone is laughing because I’m back to being a boy! Those ones I find are the ones I really wake up crying from. Not even in my dreams are my happiest day a happy event, geez, that sais more then I wish it did about my Mental landscape.
I'm still too scared to go into most stores and go shopping, Which really gets to me. Why should I be scared? What are they going to say that I pretty much haven't already heard from someone before? I'm I scared that they are judging me? Or judging me on how good of a woman I make? Or my clothing choices of things I want to try on? I don't know. But its something, maybe all of it together. And here I am, the mall junkie, scared to go to a mall. Wow have things changed since coming out. A place where I use to spend most of my waking hours, and even some of my non-awake ones too!
Still haven't made any head way yet on being able to sleep in my own bedroom
Though, in my defense, I didn't really have the ability this weekend to do much of anything. Migraine headache and all for a good portion of my weekend. And while i am happy that it fell on my weekend and didn't have to miss any work, something I really cant afford to miss, I kind of irks me that it happens on my days off now. Cant predict these things, and there is not much I can do about them, but, really? On my weekends? WTF Brain, wtf?
And, for the first time in my life, I sort of feel like the person in the mirror is me. Its not all there yet, but its something. In fact, its more to me then I thought it would be. I know its something that I have wanted all my life, and something that I really felt would never happen. But, I see this girl looking back at me, she's cute and funny, and has these amazing eyes. And its me. And it doesn't make me hate myself seeing this person looking back. I'm not sure that there are words that would ever be good enough to describe this feeling, but, its amazing. And for the first time, looking in a mirror brought a smile to my face. And not one of my faked smiles like most people have seen, but a true smile, with tears attached. But, that feeling isn't always there, It still comes and goes depending on the day, but its a start. I just hope that some day, I truly will associate with my own face, and my face withOUT the amount of makeup that it takes to get here.
And Remember, everyone loves Magical Trevor!
Oh what to expect for next year? Hard to believe that this time next year, ill have some boobs. And maybe some hip’s and a bum too! Great, ill have to get all new pants as nothing is going to fit.
On less happy of fronts, I need to stop dreaming about my wedding. Even in my dreams it doesn't go well. Someone will stand up and make a comment about I shouldn't be getting married. And different things most of the time as to the why, from 'she is really a boy', to 'lesbians shouldn't get married', to the normal 'you should marry me not her' situations. And then there are the dreams where I'm up there in my dress, and suddenly everyone is laughing because I’m back to being a boy! Those ones I find are the ones I really wake up crying from. Not even in my dreams are my happiest day a happy event, geez, that sais more then I wish it did about my Mental landscape.
I'm still too scared to go into most stores and go shopping, Which really gets to me. Why should I be scared? What are they going to say that I pretty much haven't already heard from someone before? I'm I scared that they are judging me? Or judging me on how good of a woman I make? Or my clothing choices of things I want to try on? I don't know. But its something, maybe all of it together. And here I am, the mall junkie, scared to go to a mall. Wow have things changed since coming out. A place where I use to spend most of my waking hours, and even some of my non-awake ones too!
Still haven't made any head way yet on being able to sleep in my own bedroom
Though, in my defense, I didn't really have the ability this weekend to do much of anything. Migraine headache and all for a good portion of my weekend. And while i am happy that it fell on my weekend and didn't have to miss any work, something I really cant afford to miss, I kind of irks me that it happens on my days off now. Cant predict these things, and there is not much I can do about them, but, really? On my weekends? WTF Brain, wtf?And, for the first time in my life, I sort of feel like the person in the mirror is me. Its not all there yet, but its something. In fact, its more to me then I thought it would be. I know its something that I have wanted all my life, and something that I really felt would never happen. But, I see this girl looking back at me, she's cute and funny, and has these amazing eyes. And its me. And it doesn't make me hate myself seeing this person looking back. I'm not sure that there are words that would ever be good enough to describe this feeling, but, its amazing. And for the first time, looking in a mirror brought a smile to my face. And not one of my faked smiles like most people have seen, but a true smile, with tears attached. But, that feeling isn't always there, It still comes and goes depending on the day, but its a start. I just hope that some day, I truly will associate with my own face, and my face withOUT the amount of makeup that it takes to get here.
And Remember, everyone loves Magical Trevor!
- Mood:
Winter Downs - Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie
- Watching: Predators
- Playing: 12 String Guitar
- Eating: my lip
- Drinking: water
You are truly turning into a beautiful girl, Charlotte.
ReplyDeleteAnd like I said, you should be very proud of yourself, because it only gets better.