Found a Block

I'm in one of those moods that I'm sure many of you understand. I'm feeling all deep think-y and emotional, One of those moments where you know that all you need is just a little bit of inspiration, and it would all just come pouring out in a tidal wave. But then there is the writers/art/music block. I have paper at the ready with both my pen and pencils, I have my guitar in arms reach, and my camera just waiting to be used, if only something would come to me. This is where I feel I fail miserably as an artist, mostly as a sketch artist though as music just comes to me like breathing. I have so many friends that will just grab a sketch book and doodle. DOODLE! Why does that seem so hard? I've never done it, ever. Not once in my life, Not even sure where I would begin really. I must just lack that skill. I guess I would compare it to Jamming musically. Sitting down and just playing a couple notes and chords off the top of your head that just... Click. Thats something that I can do almost anytime I want, and half the time when I don't, either because I'm in one of those situations where I can't, or worse, don't have my guitar. As an artist (of a different type, I wont compare my music to what you all do) I do not know what I would do if suddenly this outlet of creativity was ever taken away from me, even for a short time. For those that don't know me that well, I also am currently writing 2 screen plays, and am collaboration on a third one. And I often suffer from writers block on these, despite having a half-decent idea of where I am wanting the plot and characters to end up. But it doesn't feel like the same kind of block as I have with drawing, like, at all.

Time +2 hours from beginning of entry.

Well, am working on a collaborative photo-manipulation. Seems to be helping this block i am having. And am learning Tears in Heaven on my acoustic. Man learning to use my thumb for my low E string feels weird, Clapton, bravo, pushing me to greater skill heights.



On a completely unrelated note, but one that I feel is something that I can't not write about. (Double Negatives are FUN!) I am finding it harder and harder to be able to focus my personality as a feminine one when I get passionate about something. Its not that I find myself being mannish about it, I just, don't feel like I am properly portraying myself in the correct light. Anyone have any hints or suggestions?


Huh, Im not entirely sure if this entry went anywhere, like at all. Guess thats what happens when I'm Far to distracted to even sit still long enough to finish a task.

I wana go for a run. I never feel like running. Walk, yes, You will totally find me doing that activity. But running? WTF is wrong with me today...

• Mood: Pain
• Listening to: Paramore/Oasis/Panic at/Soundgarden
• Reading: Tabs
• Watching: Epcor Centers 25th anniversary movie
• Playing: Tears In Heaven. Terrible
• Eating: the 2 cm's of hair that reaches my mouth
• Drinking: Root Beer

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...

How do you live with yourself when you finally figure out some more of the bigger picture of who you are? How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other? So, finally decided that I'm probably bi-poler today. I have mood swings from having the greatest day ever to wanting to kill myself a matter of minuets. And it happens all the time. Why do I keep trying, why do I try so damn hard to keep myself alive and preserve what I have. I don't like what I have to begin with. And the only thing keeping me alive most days is that my friends would never forgive me. But then I ask myself, If I'm dead, would I really care if they forgave me? Something inside of me tells me that I really wouldn't care about anything, 'cept worms and necrophiliac's. I read all the heartfelt web blogs, of people in love, and happy, and who care for one another, and they do make me feel something inside, but its not what there wanting to evoke, or what I wanted to find within myself. I find that it makes me even more unhappy, its showing me that which I can't attain.

I can hide my face behind my make up, I can hide my body under my clothes, but can I hide my soul? There is no cover for that.

And at the end of the day, I have nothing to go home to. 'Cept for the thing that hurts me the most. I take my make up and clothes off, I turn back into the boy that I have never felt like and have hated all my life. Then the hardest thing of all, that always brings me to my knees with the emotions that its evokes in my soul. I take off my breasts, and I cry uncontrollably. Thats what I have waiting for me everyday.

I've had everything taken away from me in my life. I haven't been healthy since the day I was born. I had my mind, my gender, and my livelihood taken away a little bit at a time. And it takes more and more every year, something new always gets diagnosed. And I find myself living with even more circumstance that I have to find someway to live with, or just give up. Which is where I find myself right now.

• Mood: Pain
• Listening to: Brand New
• Playing: with someones else's emotions
• Eating: my missery with a side of depression
• Drinking: away all feeling

Apathy's Fallen Angel

I am Apathy's fallen angel. I came from on high and fell to this world of pain, suffering and hatred to feel the scorn of your words, the contempt in your eyes, and the disdain of your actions. I am at your misfortune, and I find myself slipping away. Emotion means so little to this patron saint of passivity. My heart had so many fractures that it fell apart, so many fissures that the parts will never form a unadulterated consummate image of its erstwhile self. Where I was formerly preoccupied, bewildered and bemused, at present I suffer from an over abundance of deprivation from your illumination and sparkle. I displace my veneration for you upon the cosmos from which I herald. I am a harbinger of circumstances, that no one wishes to experience interactions with. I have been excommunicated from my place of temperament on my summit of emotion. Now I draw a purdah across my countenance. Now there is nothing left for you and me. The macrocosm of human lives slipped away before my eyes, spinning ever faster till detail evaded observation. Distorted by its age, watching it be born from nihility, to grow up and old, wither away and die, to once again join with its oblivion. But I will adapt to my new circumstances, I will prevail and endure, for I am timeless and eternal. Forever a fallen angel, never to rise again from my ashes.

• Mood: Pain
• Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie
• Playing: Fallout 3
• Eating: My hair
• Drinking: A&W

Problems Said I

Been think too much about you when I should have been thinking of me

You left my heart still beating on the seat of your car

Dropping me off without ever saying goodbye

Alone I sit on the floor with what ever I need

This damning darkness surrounds my periphery

The spotlights on me but I just want to hide

Nothing to give that’s not already been taken

Nowhere to go that I’ll feel welcome

Another day squandered on this thing they call love

Another day wasted on another missed call

You never write or say a few words

Your presence is missing since the day that we met

Feeling different and strange to your stares everyday

Doesn’t help me get through this time of my life

Throw myself off the building cut myself in the night

Bullet through the brain now wouldn't that be a sight

This feeling I’m left with just won’t go away

But why must I spend every second in pain

I’m not a joke I’m a person too

So what do they say when my backs fully turned

A world of haters who can’t back it up

These tear in my eyes are as real as me

This portrait of beauty isn't only skin deep

To say that I scare you isn't enough so it seems

That your answer is violence only sickens me

You bring out your signs with god on the front

Which hurts just as much as a stake in the back

So this pain I will bear like a scar on my face

Forever confronting this horrible place

I am a girl who was born a boy

And what would I give to have been born a Miss

But praying wont fix this problem I have

So I put on my clothes no matter the day

And enter the world in my own special way

To your glances and glares and sometimes word spoke

I’ll keep my chin up

I know I’m not a joke

La Tired

• Sept 2/2010

You know what the problem is with being happy? Sleeping. Mind running a mile a minute. After running on little to no food I find myself starting another 12 hour shift at work. When I am done, I'll have been up for 48 hours. Fun fun. Even when anything that can be a distraction has been put away and turned off, the mind will find something to occupy it self. I just kind of wish that it would decide that sleep would be a worthy enough task for it to occupy itself with, but no, thats too much to hope for I suppose. Instead it will find amusing anecdotes, discover the deeper meanings to existence, plan how It wants to rearrange the house, have a couple epiphany's, then back to anecdotes. Oh what I wouldn't do to be able to sleep. But I've been saying that for longer then I can actually remember. Isn't insomnia fun?

• Mood: Shitty
• Listening to: Paramore
• Watching: Make-up Lessons On Youtube
• Playing: Pokemon HeartGold
• Eating: Chicken and Fries
• Drinking: Coffee

Moving On

• Sept 1/2010

So today I woke up with a smile on my face that has been absent for some weeks. It could be the rather decent amount of new clothes and cosmetics that just got put neatly away in there new homes. But some how I feel its because last night I decided that I needed to get over you. You never call or write, no matter how much I do, and its gotten to the point where I just don't know what to say anymore, because I know Ill never get an answer back anyways. And you know what? I am way to awesome to be ignored, so, this is your loss, not mine. Yes, I really like you, still do, but why do I have to cry everyday because of you, and you don't even know that you affect me like this? So, standing up on my own two feet today, with no one holding me up. Which is a feeling I have always found particularly distressing in the past, but perhaps at this current point in time, is something that is necessary. I am transitioning, and in the process of discovering just who I am. Perhaps I shouldn't have someone in my life romantically to define me in any way.

If you had wanted me to be a part of your life, you should have tried to let me be a part of it, I know I did.

• Mood: Content
• Listening to: Brand New
• Reading: My DA Blog
• Watching: The Expendables
• Playing: Pokemon HeartGold
• Eating: Ramen
• Drinking: Coffee

Guilt

• Aug 27/2010

So I am discovering what it means to live with some pretty serious guilt. And its horrible! But, knowing in the back of my head that I have lied to every single person I have ever met in my life is really getting harder and harder to live with everyday. I feel like I need to go back and apologize to them all, and have to some, and it never goes well, and doesn't make me feel any better. And thats when I actually work up the courage to say something.

I guess it comes too from having so many sins to repent for. Because, damn, thats a long list. No one has a clue.

Well, time to go find her a present.

• Mood: Hungry
• Listening to: Silence
• Reading: Blogs
• Watching: time tick by, slowly
• Playing: Pokemon HeartGold
• Eating: Ramen
• Drinking: Coffee, only half a day old today

Days and counting

• Aug 26/2010

Well, thats 6 days straight that I've cried myself to sleep. Not afraid to say it, mostly because no one ever reads this stuff anyways right? And well, hell, Im just not afraid to admit to it. Its most days and nights for me of late. Almost a regular occurring event in everyday life. Wow, now thats depressing. I think i really need to be getting more Vit D in my diet. Seeing as I work night shift security, and actively go out of my way most days to avoid sunlight, some Vit D would probably do my mind some good. Yes, since coming out, my depression has really gotten a lot better. But, now that I have been out for months, and have finally started to figure out what I do want from life and figuring out all of that stuff, my depression has gotten a lot worse again. I think its because I realize just how long, how hard, how expensive, and how much work and pain it is all going to cause me. 5 years ago I thought I was going to have a pretty miserable existence filled with lots of pain and suffering. Now i get to ponder a life where I still get all that, only now have invited even more of it into my life. Never could do anything simply could I? And now? I get to look forward to pretty much being broke forever, not being able to support a family, own a car, buy a home. I get to look forward to several HUGH surgeries, with some intense recovery time. Some of which might kill me on the table, and knowing what I do of my own medical history, That really has me worried. I fear that I will have to do it all alone.


Alright, time to go order her some flowers for tuesday. I want her to know just how special she is, and what she has done. <3

• Mood: Unhappy
• Listening to: Hole
• Reading: Blogs
• Watching: hopefully the back of my eyelids soon
• Playing: Guitar
• Eating: Ramen
• Drinking: blood

A Will with out hope

• Aug 20/2010

How does a person live day to day when the threat of their impending doom is forever in the air? I realized today that I haven't 'Settled up' in a while, which is my way of making sure that If I never spoke to someone again, that they would know just how I felt. And now i just feel really bad about it, because the threat hasn't, and never will go away. And its not that I'm going to take my own life, not that that isn't a very realistic chance, but living with life threatning food allergy to some very common things is a scary world. I think I need to go tell some people some very deep emotional things now.

• Mood: Neglect
• Listening to: The voices in my head
• Reading: that which was never wrote
• Watching: the world from behind my tears
• Playing: at this thing called life
• Eating: Fresh Coffee
• Drinking: more fresh coffee?

From Deep inside I find what I don't want

• Aug 19/2010

I have been having some deep seated problems with inspiration of late. I haven't come up with any new songs in weeks. My screen play is suffering from writers block of epic proportions, and even my small amount of artistic talent has been suffering with a loss of ideas.

So, I dug within myself to find something. And I didn't like what was there. Depression, misery, repressed emotions and memories, and loss. Where does that take my inspiration? I wrote 4 new songs, killed off two of my characters, and sketched a fallen angel. Yup, all signs of a very healthy mind I would say. Good day to be me... Going to go play with traffic now.

• Mood: Agony
• Listening to: Myself
• Reading: the verses I have penned
• Watching: my life slip away
• Playing: the remains of my soul
• Eating: my hair
• Drinking: my sorrow from a shot glass

Nothing I Can Do

Aug 19/2010

What do you do when you are worrying about 100 different things that you have absolutely no control over? And there things that are scary as far as my life goes. And it feels like I have no one to turn too. I spend too many hours by myself with too much going through my head, and never get to sort out any of my feelings with the people I am having them with. I miss sleeping soundly (alright, i've never slept soundly, but I imagine that its nice), I miss taking any joy out of the few things that I have left that brought me joy. I miss feeling like I was a part of something good, meaningful, and special. I miss having someone who would tell me that its going to be alright, and not have to doubt them. I miss being in love. I miss the inspiration that I was fed daily from it, and the hope that it always brought into even the darkest of days. I miss being able to pen a song any second of the day because my heart just felt it.

• Mood: Hysterical
• Listening to: Dala
• Reading: The Story of O
• Watching: Buffy The Vampire Slayer Box Set
• Playing: with the fragments of my mind
• Eating: Day old coffee.
• Drinking: Day old Coffee, 3rd time this week

Art Critiques FTW!

Aug 17/2010

So, have got this new group on fb called LXA, all for artists. And while I have little talent or abilities for the subject itself. I have been giving out a lot of critiques of late on some really fantastic artists. Who have really liked what Ive had to say. Which makes me feel a lot better. As talking to my peers about something that they typically know a lot more about it then I do is something that I have had trouble doing in the past. So its been bringing me out of my shell of late a bit. Everyone should go check it out.

• Mood: Tired
• Listening to: Rise Against
• Reading: The Story of O
• Watching: Buffy The Vampire Slayer Box Set
• Playing: With my New Earrings
• Eating: Chicken
• Drinking: Day old Coffee, again

Missing You So Much

Aug 12/2010

I feel it is time for me to sit down and start writing again, as I can't go out an take any photos. I hate not having a working camera!

Your always on my mind, and you don't even know it. You never talk to me, and hardly even try to spend time with me from where I stand. I don't even know if you think about me, and its killing me inside. For the first time in my life I have finally opened up my heart fully to someone. And I don't think they even know how hard that was for me to do. I dream about them every night, and think about them when ever I'm alone. The distance between our two homes wouldn't be so hard to deal with if you would at least talk to me, but it seems I'm the one doing all the talking.

So here I will sit, alone and depressed, attempting to console my friends in there own love endevours. Getting to watch everyone I know live happy, love filled lives only kills me a little bit more inside though.