Christmas

I had a REALLY long blog all typed out for today, took about 2 hours to get out. But you know what? You don't get to read it. You know why? Because my Chrome Crashed as I was posting it. So... I am NOT taking another 2 hours to do it again, wouldn't be the same anyways. So, Instead, i present you with lyrics that Are Not My Own. But in a rather fitting way, it kind of really describes my feelings for this time of year. It is also the song I continue to do at karaoke and will do so as soon as I find a karaoke company that actually has it in there library.


I Won't Be Home For Christmas
Blink 182

(Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa la la la la la la la la)
(Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la la la la la la)

Outside the carolers start to sing
I can't describe the joy they bring
Cause joy is something they don't bring me

My girlfriend is by my side
From the roof are hanging sickles of ice
Their whiny voices get irritating
It's Christmas time again

So I stand with a dead smile on my face
Wondering how much of my time they'll waste
Oh god I hate these Satan's helpers

And then I guess I must've snaped
Because I grabbed a baseball bat
And made them all run for shelter

It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone.

Well I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve
Cause the cops came and arrested me
They had an unfair advantage

And even though the jail didn't have a tree
Christmas came a night early
Causes a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package (hot damn)

It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone.

I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas



So... Anyone get the idea that I really dislike this time of year?

-Charlotte
Stay Out Of My Face This Season

• Mood: Winter Downs
• Listening to: Blink 182
• Reading: Hate Mail
• Watching: people trash my character
• Playing: with the left over emotions of guilt
• Eating: my sorrow with a rusty knife
• Drinking: my dreams down with bourbon

Who Am I?

Who would I be, if I wasn't myself, what would I do, where would I live, who would I know, Would I still be just as gay?

These questions they haunt me. So lost in my mind, I don't have an answer.

I would like to think, there somewhere I'm right, something fell into place, and who ever that person is, I wish I was them. To not have to go through this, every day, to see both the hatred, and the pain that I bring. To walk past a woman, then she breaks into tears, Can't help but to stop, and ask if everything is alright. She had lost a 'Daughter', in a tale such as mine. Over come with the loss, I sat and listened to her story.

She tried to hold back her tears as she recounted the past. So moving it was, that I too broke down and cried. Nothing has touched me, as much as her eyes. She looked at me how, my own mother would, And I could tell from her tears, just how much she was missed.

There was so much the same, her daughter and I. Where we grew up, and who we had been. Her story was over, I fought back my shivers, she had opened my eyes, and I nothing to give her.

So I have her a hug, and we cried for a while. And for the moment together, she felt like I was her daughter. Not so dead in a grave, but still alive and so happy.

I can't imagine the pain and the trials she has gone through, and I wonder now, if it would have been better, to have just kept on going, not care like I do.

But I didn't, I couldn't! That just wouldn't be me, I had stopped and I meddled, and worked my way in. I saw all her anger, her sorrow and joy. In some way, I hope that I helped, perhaps to help her come to terms, perhaps to help her understand what she had gone through.

I had told her my story, and where I was going. What I had feared, and what were my dreams. What I want, and what I missed. Who stood behind me, and who stood in my way. Who had stayed with me, and who threw me away. I told her of Madi, and Marc, and my Mom. I told her of Jason, and Derek, and Tom. I told her of Tia, and Maggie, and Madi some more. I opened my heart, and showed her what it held, I open my mind, and showed her my wisdom.

She may not have known it, but she helped me to see, just how much better I was doing, now that I'm being me. So much more can I offer, this beautiful world, When I'm not so sad and so lonely, and feeling depressed. Now I can wake up, a smile on my face, and greet each new morning, in this wonderful place. I don't hate myself as much as I did yesterday, and I'm sure tomorrow will hold more of the same.

I never got her name, but she will never be forgotten. My thoughts and feelings go out to you today and everyday after. I will not forget your story, for it has become a page in my own. My own is not finished, at least not quite yet, but I'm sure it will end quite different!

That day I was the ally, standing in someone else's shoes. I wasn't the one who needed support. It felt so strange, like a memory from long ago that you don't remember ever happening. Or wearing your shoes on the wrong feet. It felt very like that. But it was a very nice change from my usual needs, of needing support day after day. I think I'm arriving, a little at least. I feel like I'm something, that was always waiting inside. I feel much more like I did, that day I was sitting, when that thought crossed my mine, and how it changed me forever. Today I can say, that the last 15 years was worth it. All the pain that I felt, all the struggles and the strife, all the depression and anger, all the lives that I shaped. Today I can say, 'This Is Who I Am' and not shy away. Today I am me, and no longer him. My future's not written, but now I can hope, that tomorrow hold such wonders, like love and joy. I will reach out and grab it, when It comes my way, and until then I'm waiting, for you to come find me

Mood: Winter Downs

• Listening to: Shpongle - Invisible Man In A Fluorescent Suit
• Reading: The Story Of O
• Watching: Forced to withstand Football X(
• Playing: Dynasty Warriors Gundam 2
• Eating: Ginger Beef
• Drinking: Water

And she already knows to do your job better

I am having the most the most wonderful fantastic religious experience proportions amazing best night of my life epic legendary monumental love inspiring reason for existence could die happy tomorrow know I lived a meaningful life type of night.

And I just Had to share that with everyone. And NO-ONE is ever going to know why, this is my little secret all to myself, and I just wanted to make everyone in the world jealous that tonight was my night and no one else's in the entire world! And I have never loved myself for being exactly who I am and what I am as I have right now. I wish everyone in the world felt like this all the time. This world would be such a soft, caring, compassionate, open, free and happy place if every one could know what this feeling was, and be in this state of mind all the time. Oh how the world could be so much different. There would be no such thing as a war, there would never be something as scary and demeaning as a hate-crime, The World over, People of all color's; backgrounds; denomination; social standing love free thinkers and religious alike would come together and celebrate this precious life that we have been given/left for us/designed for us/dug out with our own two hands. Although we all look different on the outside, Inside we all feel the same emotions and feel the same pain, So let us celebrate our differences instead of trying to commit mass genocide on each other because they look different.

Peace. Love. Trust. Understanding. That is what I wish for all of you. I hope that you all find it when you need them most, and even when you could not take anymore, it's still there, bursting at the seems ready to crush you in its awesomeness.

So... Back to this blog thing. Sorry loyal followers, one last battle before we get to go ways.

• Mood: Peaceful
• Listening to: Nirvana/offspring/paramor
• Reading: This
• Watching: The Sun Rise!!!! OMG I missed this
• Playing: House of the Rising Sun
• Drinking: water and coffee

Changes

Be Warned, and I realize that I should have put this at the top of like every post, but, read at own risk, there may be things of any kind of nature that may offend you in some way, and if you don't want to know something about me, stop reading now. I am a stuipdily open person, with out much in the way of space bubbles or limits so I'll just drop info down and sometimes not realize that some people may have never wanted to know it, so... With that warning gracing the header of this entry, time for fun stuff.

So, my breast started showing up this week. Woke up the other morning and my nipples were all like 'HI! Nice to meet you!' and there starting to swell up a bit, and hurt like hell!!! OMFG! So for the first day, all I could do was not touch them. the second day, it was all I could do was try and not touch them, and by day three, it was done, I had to try them out. I love boobs. Yup! But it does make me happy that I get to wear my breast form over top of them for padding, don't know If I could work without them now, with how much just simply touching them hurts.

In other news that Is almost as big and important, but slightly less so because its not about my breast, is that After a day of cleaning and sorting, and moving, and rearranging, I have managed to not only spend time in my bed room, but I even slept in it last night. Granted, sleeping in it took a good amount of herbal reamdies and a good sleeping pill, and even then had a very difficult night about it, I still did it. I am taking control of my life, one step at a time. I just wish that going into the room didn't hurt me so much. I hadn't realized just how much the night Daniel attempted suicide had affected my life, and in what ways. I mean, yes, i did realize that It was a very large occasion in both our lives, so of course it stands to reason that it would cause some emotional stuff to come up in my life, i just didn't see this one coming. I enter his room, and I feel like an intruder. I can suddenly understand why it is that parents can't change the bedroom of a child who has moved out, or a wife who's husband has died and still keeps all of his stuff on the shelfs where they always were. I'm in the same boat, but under such mindbogglingly different circumstances, and I'm not sure how I should feel about the whole thing. I mean, its my stuff right, but... Its not anymore, some days it really does feel like Daniel was a different person, and somedays I feel like he's still inside of me but I'm still Charlotte, its really weird to explain, probably because I only vaguely get it myself. But there it is. I kind of just need to throw all of it out, get new bed sheets, and things for the walls, and new dressers, and pillows and and and! But will it ever be my room? or will it just feel like I'm still intruding in his space? And I've been having the same problem with the bathroom too, who long time readers should know, is my room, or at least was Daniel's room. Since everything happened, I have been doing less and less in that room too, and have been living in the one room of the house that Daniel never really spent any time in, the living room. That has turned into a Charlotte room, which is strange, because I don't like it one bit. I need to take back my life, thats all there is too it. And this was the first step. And it wans't small either, hell, sitting hundreds of klicks away and thinking about it is still giving me and anxiety attack, *sigh* oh well, one day at a time right? Tommorow will be better, and so will the next one. Things get better, or at least, thats what I keep telling myself, and I think inside, I do believe it.

• Mood: Emotional
• Listening to: Nirvana
• Reading: This
• Watching: The Sun Rise!!!! OMG I missed this
• Playing: with my hair
• Drinking: water and coffee

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking again of late. And things are going to change in my life. They really are, have already started in fact. I am no longer going to let fear run my life, I am going to run my fear. I have accepted that no amount of change that I can instill in society, and no matter how much I do, I will probably never be 'accepted' by all them, so why am I going to let them run my life? do they let me run there life? Or do I just ruin it for them? So I am going to step back out into the world today, a different person, I am empowered and I am unafraid. People will look down on me, and I don't care. And things are only going to go up from here!


And hey, going out to the store this afternoon with only eyeliner on even went well. And that was a first.

And now I am going to go out again. And I am going to have fun. See you later

• Mood: Bliss
• Listening to: Nirvana
• Watching: Hot tub time machine
• Playing: with Cs, trying to figure this shit out
• Eating: hotdogs
• Drinking: water

100 Truths

Can't remember who I got this from, but I wanted to do it, so here it is.

LASTS:

1. Last beverage→ Coffee

2. Last phone call → Bobbie

3. Last text message → Marc

4. Last song you listened to → The only exception-Paramore

5. Last time you cried → Right now?


HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Dated someone twice → Yes, and yes, and yes.

2. Been cheated on? Yes

3. Kissed someone & regretted it? → Absolutely

4. Lost someone special?→ Horrificaly

5. Been depressed?→ Since the age of 7

6. Been drunk and threw up? → More times then I'd like to admit



LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:

1. Black

2. Blue

3. Red

4. Green



HAVE YOU:

1. Made new friends → All the time

2. Fallen out of love → No

3. Laughed until you cried → Rarely

4. Met someone who changed you → Yes

5. Found out who your true friends were → Very recently.

6. Found out someone was talking about you → This has become a regular occurance in my life of late I am told :anger:

7. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list? Yes

8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life –> About a third of my FB friends list, and 5 of my DA

9. How many kids do you want to have→ One would be good

10. Do you have any pets → Sassy the Boa, Marc

11. Do you want to change your name→

12. What did you do for your last birthday → Drank away the hurt

13. What time did you wake up today → 4pm

14. What were you doing at midnight last night → Locking up my building

15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → SEX CHANGE

16. Last time you saw your father→ September

17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life→ everything

18. What are you listening to right now → Decode - Paramore

19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Often

23. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → Close-minded people

24. Most visited web page → Deviant Art



WHAT:

1. What’s your name → Charlotte Danielle Currie

2. Nicknames→ Char, Raysaaark, It

3. Relationship Status → Hopelessly single

4. Zodiac sign → Leo and Cancer

5. Male or female → Bit of Column A, Bit of Column B

10. Hair color → Brunette

11. Long or short → Wishing it was MUCH longer

16. Height → 6"

17. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes

18: What do you like about yourself? → I like my eyes, they let me know Im still in there somewhere

19. Piercings → Both ears, and getting my industrial redone on my left ear

20. Tattoos → Not yet

21. Righty or lefty→ Righty



FIRSTS

22. Operation → Wisdom Teeth, Grade 8

23. First piercing → Industrial

24. First best friends → Repressed too much of my Childhood, haven't a clue

26. First sport you joined → Soccer

27. First pet → Buffy the Cat

28. First vacation→ Camping in the Rocky Mountains

29. First concert → Eve 6 at Mac Hall

30. First crush → Sara

49. Eating → Ginger Beef

50. Drinking → Coffee

52. I’m about to → Cry some more

53. Listening to → Call it Off - Tegan and Sarah

55. Waiting for → 07:30h


YOUR FUTURE :

58. Want kids? → Kind of yes, but at the same time a loud resounding no

59. Want to get married? → Want few things more then that

60. Careers in mind? → Porn Star


YOUR PERFECT MATE

68. Lips or eyes → Eyes

69. Hugs or kisses → I'm a kissing type of person.

70. Shorter or taller → Preferably the same height.

71. Older or Younger → I seem to date younger every single time. Doesn't bother me though.

72. Romantic or spontaneous → Spontaneously Romantic.

73. Nice stomach or nice arms → Hate my body, its all wrong

74. Sensitive or loud → WAY sensitive

75. Hook-up or relationship → DEEP MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS.

77. Trouble maker or hesitant → Both :evil Grin:



HAVE YOU EVER :

78. Kissed a stranger → To be fair, she kissed me.

79. Drank hard liquor → 151 for the win!

80. Lost glasses/contacts → Bad with my sunglasses

81. Sex on first date → No, standards Hello?

82. Broken someone’s heart → I think I have

83. Had your own heart broken→ 3 times

86. Turned someone down → Yes.

87. Cried when someone died – Half the reason I'm crying right now, but only half

88. Liked a friend that is a boy? → Yes!


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

89. Yourself → Rarely

90. Miracles → Never happen

92. Hell → Im a spiritualist

93. Santa Clause → My Parents were really good at it!

95. Kiss on the first date? → Physical attraction is important, so yes.

96. Angels → Do I look Retarded?



ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → More then anything

98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? thats complicated

100. Posting this as 100 Truths? → Yes.

Mood: Hopeless

• Listening to: Tegan and Sarah, Paramore
• Watching: Paramore
• Playing: my toque
• Eating: ginger beef
• Drinking: water and coffee

Taking Stock

I think I've made a mistake. A really really big one. And today it hit me like a sack of bricks. April 23 should have ended differently now that I know what it meant. But to give up now is to fail, and everyone would view it wrong.

I hope that this feeling goes away very soon. Perhaps after a good full day of sleep.

I never thought that being able to fall in love with myself, and being able to live with myself, would cause everyone else to do the opposite.

What brought this on you may ask? Clothes shopping. One of my Favorite things to do. And now it hurts so much to even think about doing, much less actually doing it.

Can never go back, but can I move forward?

• Mood: Hopeless
• Listening to: Pearl Jam, Matthew Good, Avril Lavigne
• Reading: Show notes
• Playing: with make up
• Eating: ginger beef
• Drinking: water