Fear

I have never been so scared in my life. I have had many people threaten me in my life. But I have never once thought about a single one of them actually having the power to do something about it, or have that power over me. I have had people shoot at me before, with real loaded guns. I have had people pull knives and tire irons and large chains on me. But today, I sit in a new position. One of complete and utter fright. For the first time, I have no ability to stop what could be coming my way. And worse of it is. He might just actually try it. I have had veiled, but not in any way subtle threats made on my life, from someone who is not entirely stable, who has transportation, weapons of the bladed variety, knows where I live, and most importantly, knows I can't defend myself anymore.

I spent almost all of Saturday lying to everyone about why I wouldn't come out of my bedroom, even those people closest to me. Wasn't so much lying as it was just avoiding this one last truth that perhaps needed to be said. But... For the first time in my life, I thought about going back to being a boy. Because as I am now, I am helpless. And I am scared. I have lost my strength that I once had, and while it was not particularly impressive, I had it long enough to know exactly what to do with it, if the situation ever arose in which I would need it. Today finds me in different circumstances however. Estrogen has stripped me of almost all of my strength, at work I have trouble lifting things over 30lbs, where once I could carry twice my body weight allowing me to carry 220lbs, and not just for short periods of time, but 8 hours if I needed too. I no longer feel that I can defend myself in any way. And this all comes as a very large surprise. My years as a martial artist, something that I loved, and did VERY well at, feels woefully inadequate right now. Where once you would have found my Jo staff at my back door, and my practical sword not far from reach. Today, my sword has been locked away by the people who love me in fear of using it on myself (which is total nonsense! I just want to add, Total!!!). With my already failing medical conditions, now compounded by transition, I feel like I am truly helpless. And the worse of it all is that this is not because of how I in particular dress as a woman, or conduct/portray myself in public or at home. This has to do with something a friend of mine is going through, and how there now ex-partner is handling the situation, and perhaps is holding me responsible for it all.

I am afraid to reach out and ask for help from people who could help me, afraid that I am over reacting and that this will come back and haunt me later if I do do something about it. Afraid to let the people closest to me know, afraid of what they would think of me for saying something, already thinking I know what they would say to me (don't actually have a clue what they would really say, this is all just prophetasizing. A part of distorted thinking, you all get it, don't deny it) if I did told them. All I can do is this. Stay up every night in fear of what my happen, and write about it in my blog. Hoping somewhere, sometime, my words help someone else.

So, if this is to perhaps be my last entry. Know that I have enjoyed sharing my life of the last year with you all, and that tomorrow will come with the dawning of the Sun, giving us a chance to start over if we so chose too. We just have to decided for ourselves where it will take us. So, Keep your heart full, and your mind open. The world is a big place, don't think you know it, you are but one person, and this world is larger then you, or me, or the people around you. Walk into it with your eyes wide and your ears open, you might just miss something important.

Char

Updates For my Peeps

I have been so caught up in life of late, and I have to admit, that I am at least a little happy by it. I have oh so very much going on in my life again. Though when I try and think back to a time in which I didn't, nothing comes to mind. I almost wonder what I would do if suddenly there wasn't any drama in my life, weather it be my own, or that of someone else's. Probably go even more crazy, which is something that I very much am, even have the doctors note to prove it! B)

There is nothing more that I would like to do right now then to let myself include all of you loyal readers of Descriptively Numb in on what has been going on, but my time is short, and there is so much that needs to be said. But take heart, Soon I say, Soon. I need to find me a little bit of time, in which to write. Which for me right now, feels like a very odd thing to say, as I have been writing a heck of a lot of late again. Just not on this.... See, I have been writing this novel. And it is something that I am very happy with. And for someone who suffers with self-esteem issues like I do, and who is hyper-critical of everything that she does, has done, or will ever do, it has been a real big thing for me. So big in fact, that I have even decided that I am going to work at getting it published, but like, a real publishing company! Yup, I am in fact, getting better. I feel that this is a real huge step in my life, and one that is taking me in a very positive direction. So for that, I am thankful.

As well, I feel much more like my old, happier self. It has been a long time since that really was the case, perhaps years even. Which is something that I was really having to come to terms with, as that means that it was going back to a time in my life, in which I was someone else, someone who I was not, and never was. And I have been feeling overly guilty about even thinking that that may have been a 'good' time in my life. But that too, like all things in my life of late, is something I am working on.

So much I wish to share to you, from my new name, to the new people in my life, to my newest adventures, and especially my newest miss-adventures. But alas, the hour grows short, my eyes grow tired, and the yawns has become to feel like they belong to someone else. I think that qualifies as my own body telling me to sleep.

And for that one special girl out there in this world, who I know is asleep right now, or I hope she is anyways, because I know that she needs it even more then I do. I want you to know that my thoughts and wishes are with you always. I have been running for the last two nights straight in my dreams. I have been running to you. With all my love, not just for the sake of saying it as much as I possibly can, but because I really do feel it. Goodnight my Eisai. <3

And for the rest of you, please don't feel left out in the cold and forgotten, For it would be a waste of emotions if that were to happen, I too, wish you a lovely night, and if you are here in my Home town of Calgary. Bundle up, that snow came out of nowhere, but it will be gone again soon. Hope you all didn't have your flower beds put in yet.

Goodnight one and all.

Shattered Strength Of Solitude And Solidarity

Falling to pieces? Yes, I guess that is what is happening to me. Everywhere I look, parts and pieces of my life lay in shambles at my feet. Everything I try and touch shatters to dust when I reach for them. I look inside and only find fear and pain and loneliness. I am so isolated, I stand on my own sinking; deserted; sand barren island. In the middle of the arctic, because its freeking cold! No way is safe, they all roads lead to ruin and death. I have no options to possibly see my way out of it. I really need a miracle. And I'm not religious, but if I were, I might actually think there was a way out of this. As I am not, and am very much a realist, I understand that this is completely hopeless, and trying to prolong the inevitable is completely useless. But yet, here I am, still trying to prolong this, because people keep telling me I have to, that to not is wrong.

I don't know where I am with my transition anymore. I can't help but wonder if this all happened now for some reason though, I am out one year on April 23. Like, I am at one year right now. Which is the length of the Real Life Test right? I am wondering if somewhere in my mind I am doubting my ability to live like this for the rest of my life, possibly? I know that I can never go back to being him. I can not, will not, ever, under any circumstances do it. I would rather die a hundred deaths then have to live like that. But... if I don't have the strength to be able to accomplish my goal of this transition... then what can I possibly do?

The strangest thing though, is that its when I am like this, when I am just so down, and, well, for lack of any better way to describe it, but emo, and pretty emo too, is when I find my strength, and feel like I can look the world in the eye again. I don't know, maybe because this is who I really am, because to tell you the truth, growing us as I have, and dealing with some of the things I am dealing with, I never am feeling like I am being myself, I can lie to myself pretty good and tell myself that that is who I am, but I still don't accept it. But this *gesturing to herself*, this is something that I haven't been fighting (I have just stopped caring about myself half the time), this I guess is finding myself in a place of self acceptance of who I am. It was like waking up one morning, and realizing that I have just been being myself for sometime, and it just coming naturally, which for someone who has spent a lifetime trying to be someone else in fear of someone ever knowing the truth can be a really weird epiphany. I wonder if other people ever get that kind of sensation? I can't say that this is exactly who I would perhaps like to be, there are things that I wish I didn't do, things I didn't think or feel. But, I do, and what more can I do about this then to deal with the truth? Something that I have run from for a long time. But maybe I am ready to deal with it. I still have to wonder what the consequences of trying to deal with it all if I am not ready. Kind of scared about where that could push me too.


I am just so tired of always being the one who gives, and getting nothing back from the world. From some close friends I get something, but I am running on empty, I can't keep myself filled up with what I give. But I don't know how not to give. Sometimes I wonder what ever caused me to be like this, wonder if I didn't do all of this to myself

• Mood: Miserable
• Listening to: Pink
• Reading: Henry Rollins: A Dull Roar
• Playing: Not allowed to talk about it
• Eating: Texas Style French Toast and Fruit