Fear

I have never been so scared in my life. I have had many people threaten me in my life. But I have never once thought about a single one of them actually having the power to do something about it, or have that power over me. I have had people shoot at me before, with real loaded guns. I have had people pull knives and tire irons and large chains on me. But today, I sit in a new position. One of complete and utter fright. For the first time, I have no ability to stop what could be coming my way. And worse of it is. He might just actually try it. I have had veiled, but not in any way subtle threats made on my life, from someone who is not entirely stable, who has transportation, weapons of the bladed variety, knows where I live, and most importantly, knows I can't defend myself anymore.

I spent almost all of Saturday lying to everyone about why I wouldn't come out of my bedroom, even those people closest to me. Wasn't so much lying as it was just avoiding this one last truth that perhaps needed to be said. But... For the first time in my life, I thought about going back to being a boy. Because as I am now, I am helpless. And I am scared. I have lost my strength that I once had, and while it was not particularly impressive, I had it long enough to know exactly what to do with it, if the situation ever arose in which I would need it. Today finds me in different circumstances however. Estrogen has stripped me of almost all of my strength, at work I have trouble lifting things over 30lbs, where once I could carry twice my body weight allowing me to carry 220lbs, and not just for short periods of time, but 8 hours if I needed too. I no longer feel that I can defend myself in any way. And this all comes as a very large surprise. My years as a martial artist, something that I loved, and did VERY well at, feels woefully inadequate right now. Where once you would have found my Jo staff at my back door, and my practical sword not far from reach. Today, my sword has been locked away by the people who love me in fear of using it on myself (which is total nonsense! I just want to add, Total!!!). With my already failing medical conditions, now compounded by transition, I feel like I am truly helpless. And the worse of it all is that this is not because of how I in particular dress as a woman, or conduct/portray myself in public or at home. This has to do with something a friend of mine is going through, and how there now ex-partner is handling the situation, and perhaps is holding me responsible for it all.

I am afraid to reach out and ask for help from people who could help me, afraid that I am over reacting and that this will come back and haunt me later if I do do something about it. Afraid to let the people closest to me know, afraid of what they would think of me for saying something, already thinking I know what they would say to me (don't actually have a clue what they would really say, this is all just prophetasizing. A part of distorted thinking, you all get it, don't deny it) if I did told them. All I can do is this. Stay up every night in fear of what my happen, and write about it in my blog. Hoping somewhere, sometime, my words help someone else.

So, if this is to perhaps be my last entry. Know that I have enjoyed sharing my life of the last year with you all, and that tomorrow will come with the dawning of the Sun, giving us a chance to start over if we so chose too. We just have to decided for ourselves where it will take us. So, Keep your heart full, and your mind open. The world is a big place, don't think you know it, you are but one person, and this world is larger then you, or me, or the people around you. Walk into it with your eyes wide and your ears open, you might just miss something important.

Char