Alright, I am re-bloging this from somewhere else. Problem is, I have been seeing it pop up in so many different places that I find myself, that I don't know who to Credit it to anymore. So alas, if you know who I should be thanking, please let me know. With that said, again, NOT MY WORK, but it is sure something that I believe you should all get a chance to read it.

Cis-Gendered checklist

1. It is unlikely that I will be ostracized by my family and friends, fired from my job, evicted from my home, given substandard medical care, suffer violent or sexual abuse, ridiculed by the media, or preached against by religious organizations simply because of my professed identity or perceived incongruent gendered behaviors or characteristics.

2. I can be confident that people will not call me by a different name or use improper pronouns.

3. I never suffered the indignation of “holding it”, when both functional and unoccupied public restrooms are available. In fact, I don’t need to be concerned about public facilities segregated by sex.

4. If I am institutionalized, I don’t have to worry about being housed in the wrong section of a facility segregated by sex.

5. I am not denied entrance to appropriate services or events that are segregated by sex.

6. My childhood innocence was not interrupted with desperate prayers to a divinity begging to wake up the opposite sex.

7. I never grieve about my lost childhood and adolescence because I was born the opposite sex.

8. I will only experience puberty once.

9. I never worry about potential lovers shifting instantly from amorous to disdain and even violence because of my genitals.

10. I am unlikely to be questioned about my genitals, even less likely to be touched inappropriately or asked to see them.

11. It is unlikely that I would risk my health by avoiding the medical profession for fear of discovery.

12. I never considered hiding my body parts by binding or tucking.

13. It is unlikely that I would consider changing my voice.

14. If I have a professionally recognized and diagnosed condition, I am unlikely to be excluded from medical insurance coverage.

15. As a man, I am more likely to look my age, and have a body similar in size and shape to other men.

16. As a man, I am more likely to be satisfied with the functionality of my genitals.

17. As a man, I am more likely able to father children .

18. As a woman, I am more likely to have a body similar in size and shape to other women.

19. As a woman, I am unlikely to lose my hair before middle age.

20. As a woman, I am more likely able to conceive and bear children.

21. As a woman, I don’t have to dilate the rest of my life.

22. I am more likely able to achieving orgasm.

23. I will likely have $50,000 or more to spend or save for retirement.

24. I can’t imagine spending months and $1000s of dollars on a therapist so they can tell me something I already knew.

25. If I am physically healthy, I don’t think about having a hysterectomy, a mastectomy, massive hair removal, contra hormone therapy, vocal surgery, facial reassignment surgery, or genital reassignment surgery.

26. I have a better chance of reaching old age without taking my own life.

27. At my funeral, it is unlikely that my family would present me crossdressed against my living wishes.

28. I never worry about passing gender wise. I am oblivious to the consequences of someone failing to do so, and consequently loosing my cisgender (non transgender) privilege. In fact, I have the privilege of being completely unaware of my own cisgender privilege.

Never knew what all some take for granted huh? And it really is like that. They may not all be things that I have to worry about on a daily basis, but they all crop up at some point or another, and some of them all the time.

Confidence

So I meet half of my Family on Sunday. I'm scared and stressed about it all. And I know that everyone keeps telling me its going to be just fine, and it probably will, but this is kind of one of those things that you do stress about anyways.

And its really getting to me. I haven't left my house in a couple days for the most part. I feel captive in these walls again. I hate it when it gets this bad, so I have to do something about it. And as much as I want to phone up any of my friends and say I need some time out of the house around people, I think maybe this is something I should do myself. I can't always turn to my friends to help me get through my problems. And I know that I don't do it much anyways, I do deal with a lot of my own problems in my own, very Charlotte, way.

Its Friday afternoon, and the only place I can think of to go and just be around people is the mall. Which has me in knots right now too. See, I have spend my last like, 6 Non-Denominational Capitalist, Wintertime Gift-giving Seasons in malls. I don't really like Christmas, it doesn't have much for happy memories attached to it, but everyone always makes it out to be like the best thing on earth. I guess I just don't get it, and that's probably my loss. So, the thought of going to a mall right now has me at odds with myself. I love malls, I do, first to admit it. Just not at Christmas, every foot of it is throwing Christmas in your face, and its all just there to make you spend even more money that most of us don't really have, and is a temporary escape from our woes at best. They say money can't buy happiness. And there is few things more true then this, but money can sure go a long way in helping a person attain happiness. I just find that most people forget that one doesn't equal the other, and when they have it, they really lose the concept somewhere. It saddens me. And that's what malls do to me this time of year. So I'm a little at a loss of if I should go or not. I'm already kind of down, how much worse could I really make it?

Then there is that other problem of I love to shop, but right now I have no money, so why am I going to go somewhere were really one of the few things there is to do, IS SPEND MONEY? Sigh, I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just phone someone up and go to a movie or something. I need out of the house one way or another, I really don't have much choice, its something I need to do, I need to get some of my confidence back, like, right now.

• Mood: Artistic
• Listening to: Dropkick Murphys
• Drinking: Tea

Passing

So, I took a bit of a risk today and did something that I should probably not have done. But such a chance I don't see as happening very often in life, especially under the circumstances that I, and people like me, am living in.

So there I was, getting on the City-train, going to my company's offices for a meeting. I get on the train car, the doors close, I start looking around at the faces of the people on the train car with me, as I have not been lucky enough to get a seat, I have to stand at the very front of the car, so many people just looking in my direction, its scary, I don't mind being looked at, but, now we are talking about giving people enough time to really study what and who they are looking at. These are the moments that kind of scare me a little. The Train arrives at the next stop, the doors open, and people file in and out. At the next set of doors down, a young man enters and rest himself against the door jam to the train car. We are mostly hidden from view from each other, but I know that it is a face that I recognize very well, for not to many years ago, we lived together. We have seen each other a couple of times since I moved out of the house with 4 of my friends, but had not really stayed in touch at all. But when we had been living together, I would like to think that we had gotten to be pretty close friends. The thoughts of what would happen if he looked over and recognized me from across the train car ran through my head, everything from it going horribly wrong to startling awesome and everything in between. I hate this feeling, every single possibility has a potential of playing itself out, ok, except that one with the guy in the banana suit and the trumpet dancing by in the middle of it.

Four stops we rode together before my stop arrived and I departed the train. Happy that nothing had once again come of the situation. I start to walk towards the train station to my destination, only to realize that he is walking only a couple people in front of me, and knowing how fast I walk I will quickly catch up to him easily. Again, and so soon this had to happen? Didn't even have time for a smoke between situations where anything can happen, perhaps this isn't going to be my day again, like it hasn't been for the last 6 straight. We walk in close proximity to each other for quite a ways after having exited the station, far enough I worried we might be going to the same place, but luckily he turns off eventually. The entire time he is having a smoke, making my very empty pack seem very bleak, I want nothing more at this point to go over and say hi, or at least bum a smoke from him. Happy I was when I no longer had to think about the temptation of a smoke, as I am trying my best to quit the habit.

I get to the office and have my meeting, events transpire and back drops get changed and everyone does a wardrobe change, I leave the office and head back to the train station. I had just missed the train car, as I was not going to run for the train, my shoulder is still a little twingy, and I would hate to slip on the ice. So I am standing on the platform waiting, realizing that my transfer is only good for another 8 mins before I need to pay again. Wishing nothing more for the train to hurry and come, I look down the platform and again see a figure approaching that seemed to now just be following me. We stood not to far from each other, I was not going to shy away from a situation, this was not something that I would let control my life, where I would run from anyone who might know Daniel, and not know Charlotte. The train comes and we both get on, the same car again. I take a seat that I am accustomed to on the train car, call it habit, but I like that one. I look up and sitting two seats away he looks at me. We both start to look out the windows of the car. It took two stops for an old man to come and sit and block the line of sight that we had. Four more stops to go, well, I had survived it all so far, I was sure I could make it that far.

Finally, I see the coffee shop Madi had lunch at that day, and the gem shop I love to go look in. I get up from my seat and move to the door to depart. I feel him come and stand next to me by the door. Again, he is getting off at the same place I am, what could his agenda possibly be this day? The train platform appears outside the car doors and we disembark. I realize all too soon that we both turn left to leave the platform. Well, 50% chance of that happening, have to roll with that one. We walk off the platform and stand, next to each other, at the street light waiting for the light to turn green. He pulls out his nearly full pack of smokes from his inner coat pocket as I look over, again with this temptation.

By this point I have taken all I can of waiting on the precipice of an event that keeps refusing to happen. Combined with the chaos of not know. I broke down. I turned to him and put on my best Charlotte voice that I could. Time to finally find out what has been bothering me for the last month.

'Hey, do you think I could buy a smoke or two off of you?' I asked, pulling my hair from my left eye and pinning it behind my ear, batting my eyes just a little.
'Yeah, have one, don't worry about it' He looked me right in the eyes as he talked to me. I knew I wouldn't have had to pay, he was like myself, we were of the pay it forward way of thinking. Because what smoker hasn't had one when they really needed one and had to ask another smoker.
He dug one out of the pack and handed it to me. I put it to my lips and turned slightly to the side, allowing my palm to shield some of my jaw line that I hate so much, and ask
'Got a light?' as I threw a hint of want into it.
'Of Course' he flashes me a wide smile of perfect white teeth. Damn!
He reaches over and I lean in and light my smoke with a couple puffs to get it lit. He pockets his lighter and I say thanks, with a slight raise of the shoulders and tilting my head to the left and putting on a happy smile. The light turns green and we cross the street, at the other side he turns and walks away. I stand and take a moment to take in everything that just happened. Not only did I just pass as a woman, and a playful one at that, but I also passed with someone who knew me well in my previous life.

I stood and basked in the ray of sunlight that shown on me. Proud I was with how far I had come with my transition, as when I started on this journey, I felt that a moment like this would probably never happen, that I would never really pass, even after work being done. And here I stood, not 9 months into my transition, not a single thing changed to my face, or even the addition of estrogen into my HRT regiment yet. Already surpassing my wildest dreams. What a day, I thought to myself, figuring that this was only the first of a lifetimes worth, it had to be, right? I guess I'll get to see just how things are with the family in a little over the week, which will be the first time for them seeing me since starting my transition. Oh I hope I don't kill Grandma.

• Mood: Artistic
• Listening to: Entire MP3 Collection on Random
• Watching: Pokemon - Jirachi wishmaker (movie 6)
• Eating: Cinnamon Rice Crisps, There like my chocolate
• Drinking: Water

Family

There is little worse then spending 3 hours getting myself all prettied up, to not have a single thing to do or place to go. I only have $4 to my name so its not like I even can go anywhere.

But, in other news, yesterday was a very exciting day for me. I had my first appointment with the Endocrinenoligist. And :drumroll: I got my prescription for Estrogen. I have finally gotten here. And in good time too. Considering that I only came out about being Transgendered in May to anyone, I would say that from just starting to full hormone therapy in only 8 months is doing very well. I am so excited to start this new process, I have butterfly's in my tummy!

Guess its time to go see the Parents again. Wonder how this is all going to go. I know they have come a log way with accepting and dealing with all of my transition and stuff, but the problem is this, I have come a lot farther then they are really ready for, and I don't know about what there going through and coming to terms with, but I know from my side of all of this, its causing me untold amounts of pain. I've always found it really hard to deal with either of my parents, but since coming out to them, its gotten so much worse, which seems so backwards, but thats how it is. We've always fought, some years it seems that is all we have done. So I guess I have just been expecting far too much from this relationship aren't I? Why would I expect that me changing as much as I am, would ever patch some of the holes that my parents and I have between us? Am I just deluding myself into thinking that things with my parents are ever going to be some where I feel comfortable? Or Happy?

There are days I wish that they had just disowned me from the family. As Harsh as that sounds, there are times. It's not that they are bad people, in fact quite the opposite, they have been amazing parents, and are incredible people who have done some epic things. I just, don't fit in there, Never have. My entire family I have felt that way about for as long as I can remember. We have never been particularly close. I really have no tales about family gatherings and the events that transpired. Most of the family holidays I have looked back on now and I find almost nothing happy about them, and the parts that I do find, it was almost always something that happened to just me. I sometimes worry that I have brought all of that upon myself though. I have always isolated myself from my family. I am such a people person, can talk to almost anyone, I have so little to say to my family so often. I have a couple cousins that I would say I am kind of close with, one in particular. But my family has never had that close knit family dynamic that many I know of do. Or perhaps I have been wrapped up in my own world of problems for too long that I have missed seeing it. Perhaps things with the family will get better, and I'm sure that if I do try things can get better, so what is stopping me from it? Myself, and perhaps i need to open up to my family about things more then I do, as I often keep things from them, just things that, they sometimes just don't need to know about. But thats why it took me 15 years to get to where I am, perhaps coming out was the first of many steps in patching things up. Only one way to find out I guess.

Well, instead of sitting around the house tonight, I'm instead going to go to the place where I should be the most maybe. I'm going to go see my family, and wish my Brother a happy birthday!

• Mood: Artistic
• Listening to: Entire MP3 Collection on Random
• Playing: With Make Up
• Eating: Pasta
• Drinking: Water

Christmas

I had a REALLY long blog all typed out for today, took about 2 hours to get out. But you know what? You don't get to read it. You know why? Because my Chrome Crashed as I was posting it. So... I am NOT taking another 2 hours to do it again, wouldn't be the same anyways. So, Instead, i present you with lyrics that Are Not My Own. But in a rather fitting way, it kind of really describes my feelings for this time of year. It is also the song I continue to do at karaoke and will do so as soon as I find a karaoke company that actually has it in there library.


I Won't Be Home For Christmas
Blink 182

(Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa la la la la la la la la)
(Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la la la la la la)

Outside the carolers start to sing
I can't describe the joy they bring
Cause joy is something they don't bring me

My girlfriend is by my side
From the roof are hanging sickles of ice
Their whiny voices get irritating
It's Christmas time again

So I stand with a dead smile on my face
Wondering how much of my time they'll waste
Oh god I hate these Satan's helpers

And then I guess I must've snaped
Because I grabbed a baseball bat
And made them all run for shelter

It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone.

Well I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve
Cause the cops came and arrested me
They had an unfair advantage

And even though the jail didn't have a tree
Christmas came a night early
Causes a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package (hot damn)

It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone.

I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas



So... Anyone get the idea that I really dislike this time of year?

-Charlotte
Stay Out Of My Face This Season

• Mood: Winter Downs
• Listening to: Blink 182
• Reading: Hate Mail
• Watching: people trash my character
• Playing: with the left over emotions of guilt
• Eating: my sorrow with a rusty knife
• Drinking: my dreams down with bourbon

Who Am I?

Who would I be, if I wasn't myself, what would I do, where would I live, who would I know, Would I still be just as gay?

These questions they haunt me. So lost in my mind, I don't have an answer.

I would like to think, there somewhere I'm right, something fell into place, and who ever that person is, I wish I was them. To not have to go through this, every day, to see both the hatred, and the pain that I bring. To walk past a woman, then she breaks into tears, Can't help but to stop, and ask if everything is alright. She had lost a 'Daughter', in a tale such as mine. Over come with the loss, I sat and listened to her story.

She tried to hold back her tears as she recounted the past. So moving it was, that I too broke down and cried. Nothing has touched me, as much as her eyes. She looked at me how, my own mother would, And I could tell from her tears, just how much she was missed.

There was so much the same, her daughter and I. Where we grew up, and who we had been. Her story was over, I fought back my shivers, she had opened my eyes, and I nothing to give her.

So I have her a hug, and we cried for a while. And for the moment together, she felt like I was her daughter. Not so dead in a grave, but still alive and so happy.

I can't imagine the pain and the trials she has gone through, and I wonder now, if it would have been better, to have just kept on going, not care like I do.

But I didn't, I couldn't! That just wouldn't be me, I had stopped and I meddled, and worked my way in. I saw all her anger, her sorrow and joy. In some way, I hope that I helped, perhaps to help her come to terms, perhaps to help her understand what she had gone through.

I had told her my story, and where I was going. What I had feared, and what were my dreams. What I want, and what I missed. Who stood behind me, and who stood in my way. Who had stayed with me, and who threw me away. I told her of Madi, and Marc, and my Mom. I told her of Jason, and Derek, and Tom. I told her of Tia, and Maggie, and Madi some more. I opened my heart, and showed her what it held, I open my mind, and showed her my wisdom.

She may not have known it, but she helped me to see, just how much better I was doing, now that I'm being me. So much more can I offer, this beautiful world, When I'm not so sad and so lonely, and feeling depressed. Now I can wake up, a smile on my face, and greet each new morning, in this wonderful place. I don't hate myself as much as I did yesterday, and I'm sure tomorrow will hold more of the same.

I never got her name, but she will never be forgotten. My thoughts and feelings go out to you today and everyday after. I will not forget your story, for it has become a page in my own. My own is not finished, at least not quite yet, but I'm sure it will end quite different!

That day I was the ally, standing in someone else's shoes. I wasn't the one who needed support. It felt so strange, like a memory from long ago that you don't remember ever happening. Or wearing your shoes on the wrong feet. It felt very like that. But it was a very nice change from my usual needs, of needing support day after day. I think I'm arriving, a little at least. I feel like I'm something, that was always waiting inside. I feel much more like I did, that day I was sitting, when that thought crossed my mine, and how it changed me forever. Today I can say, that the last 15 years was worth it. All the pain that I felt, all the struggles and the strife, all the depression and anger, all the lives that I shaped. Today I can say, 'This Is Who I Am' and not shy away. Today I am me, and no longer him. My future's not written, but now I can hope, that tomorrow hold such wonders, like love and joy. I will reach out and grab it, when It comes my way, and until then I'm waiting, for you to come find me

Mood: Winter Downs

• Listening to: Shpongle - Invisible Man In A Fluorescent Suit
• Reading: The Story Of O
• Watching: Forced to withstand Football X(
• Playing: Dynasty Warriors Gundam 2
• Eating: Ginger Beef
• Drinking: Water

And she already knows to do your job better

I am having the most the most wonderful fantastic religious experience proportions amazing best night of my life epic legendary monumental love inspiring reason for existence could die happy tomorrow know I lived a meaningful life type of night.

And I just Had to share that with everyone. And NO-ONE is ever going to know why, this is my little secret all to myself, and I just wanted to make everyone in the world jealous that tonight was my night and no one else's in the entire world! And I have never loved myself for being exactly who I am and what I am as I have right now. I wish everyone in the world felt like this all the time. This world would be such a soft, caring, compassionate, open, free and happy place if every one could know what this feeling was, and be in this state of mind all the time. Oh how the world could be so much different. There would be no such thing as a war, there would never be something as scary and demeaning as a hate-crime, The World over, People of all color's; backgrounds; denomination; social standing love free thinkers and religious alike would come together and celebrate this precious life that we have been given/left for us/designed for us/dug out with our own two hands. Although we all look different on the outside, Inside we all feel the same emotions and feel the same pain, So let us celebrate our differences instead of trying to commit mass genocide on each other because they look different.

Peace. Love. Trust. Understanding. That is what I wish for all of you. I hope that you all find it when you need them most, and even when you could not take anymore, it's still there, bursting at the seems ready to crush you in its awesomeness.

So... Back to this blog thing. Sorry loyal followers, one last battle before we get to go ways.

• Mood: Peaceful
• Listening to: Nirvana/offspring/paramor
• Reading: This
• Watching: The Sun Rise!!!! OMG I missed this
• Playing: House of the Rising Sun
• Drinking: water and coffee

Changes

Be Warned, and I realize that I should have put this at the top of like every post, but, read at own risk, there may be things of any kind of nature that may offend you in some way, and if you don't want to know something about me, stop reading now. I am a stuipdily open person, with out much in the way of space bubbles or limits so I'll just drop info down and sometimes not realize that some people may have never wanted to know it, so... With that warning gracing the header of this entry, time for fun stuff.

So, my breast started showing up this week. Woke up the other morning and my nipples were all like 'HI! Nice to meet you!' and there starting to swell up a bit, and hurt like hell!!! OMFG! So for the first day, all I could do was not touch them. the second day, it was all I could do was try and not touch them, and by day three, it was done, I had to try them out. I love boobs. Yup! But it does make me happy that I get to wear my breast form over top of them for padding, don't know If I could work without them now, with how much just simply touching them hurts.

In other news that Is almost as big and important, but slightly less so because its not about my breast, is that After a day of cleaning and sorting, and moving, and rearranging, I have managed to not only spend time in my bed room, but I even slept in it last night. Granted, sleeping in it took a good amount of herbal reamdies and a good sleeping pill, and even then had a very difficult night about it, I still did it. I am taking control of my life, one step at a time. I just wish that going into the room didn't hurt me so much. I hadn't realized just how much the night Daniel attempted suicide had affected my life, and in what ways. I mean, yes, i did realize that It was a very large occasion in both our lives, so of course it stands to reason that it would cause some emotional stuff to come up in my life, i just didn't see this one coming. I enter his room, and I feel like an intruder. I can suddenly understand why it is that parents can't change the bedroom of a child who has moved out, or a wife who's husband has died and still keeps all of his stuff on the shelfs where they always were. I'm in the same boat, but under such mindbogglingly different circumstances, and I'm not sure how I should feel about the whole thing. I mean, its my stuff right, but... Its not anymore, some days it really does feel like Daniel was a different person, and somedays I feel like he's still inside of me but I'm still Charlotte, its really weird to explain, probably because I only vaguely get it myself. But there it is. I kind of just need to throw all of it out, get new bed sheets, and things for the walls, and new dressers, and pillows and and and! But will it ever be my room? or will it just feel like I'm still intruding in his space? And I've been having the same problem with the bathroom too, who long time readers should know, is my room, or at least was Daniel's room. Since everything happened, I have been doing less and less in that room too, and have been living in the one room of the house that Daniel never really spent any time in, the living room. That has turned into a Charlotte room, which is strange, because I don't like it one bit. I need to take back my life, thats all there is too it. And this was the first step. And it wans't small either, hell, sitting hundreds of klicks away and thinking about it is still giving me and anxiety attack, *sigh* oh well, one day at a time right? Tommorow will be better, and so will the next one. Things get better, or at least, thats what I keep telling myself, and I think inside, I do believe it.

• Mood: Emotional
• Listening to: Nirvana
• Reading: This
• Watching: The Sun Rise!!!! OMG I missed this
• Playing: with my hair
• Drinking: water and coffee

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking again of late. And things are going to change in my life. They really are, have already started in fact. I am no longer going to let fear run my life, I am going to run my fear. I have accepted that no amount of change that I can instill in society, and no matter how much I do, I will probably never be 'accepted' by all them, so why am I going to let them run my life? do they let me run there life? Or do I just ruin it for them? So I am going to step back out into the world today, a different person, I am empowered and I am unafraid. People will look down on me, and I don't care. And things are only going to go up from here!


And hey, going out to the store this afternoon with only eyeliner on even went well. And that was a first.

And now I am going to go out again. And I am going to have fun. See you later

• Mood: Bliss
• Listening to: Nirvana
• Watching: Hot tub time machine
• Playing: with Cs, trying to figure this shit out
• Eating: hotdogs
• Drinking: water