Who would I be, if I wasn't myself, what would I do, where would I live, who would I know, Would I still be just as gay?
These questions they haunt me. So lost in my mind, I don't have an answer.
I would like to think, there somewhere I'm right, something fell into place, and who ever that person is, I wish I was them. To not have to go through this, every day, to see both the hatred, and the pain that I bring. To walk past a woman, then she breaks into tears, Can't help but to stop, and ask if everything is alright. She had lost a 'Daughter', in a tale such as mine. Over come with the loss, I sat and listened to her story.
She tried to hold back her tears as she recounted the past. So moving it was, that I too broke down and cried. Nothing has touched me, as much as her eyes. She looked at me how, my own mother would, And I could tell from her tears, just how much she was missed.
There was so much the same, her daughter and I. Where we grew up, and who we had been. Her story was over, I fought back my shivers, she had opened my eyes, and I nothing to give her.
So I have her a hug, and we cried for a while. And for the moment together, she felt like I was her daughter. Not so dead in a grave, but still alive and so happy.
I can't imagine the pain and the trials she has gone through, and I wonder now, if it would have been better, to have just kept on going, not care like I do.
But I didn't, I couldn't! That just wouldn't be me, I had stopped and I meddled, and worked my way in. I saw all her anger, her sorrow and joy. In some way, I hope that I helped, perhaps to help her come to terms, perhaps to help her understand what she had gone through.
I had told her my story, and where I was going. What I had feared, and what were my dreams. What I want, and what I missed. Who stood behind me, and who stood in my way. Who had stayed with me, and who threw me away. I told her of Madi, and Marc, and my Mom. I told her of Jason, and Derek, and Tom. I told her of Tia, and Maggie, and Madi some more. I opened my heart, and showed her what it held, I open my mind, and showed her my wisdom.
She may not have known it, but she helped me to see, just how much better I was doing, now that I'm being me. So much more can I offer, this beautiful world, When I'm not so sad and so lonely, and feeling depressed. Now I can wake up, a smile on my face, and greet each new morning, in this wonderful place. I don't hate myself as much as I did yesterday, and I'm sure tomorrow will hold more of the same.
I never got her name, but she will never be forgotten. My thoughts and feelings go out to you today and everyday after. I will not forget your story, for it has become a page in my own. My own is not finished, at least not quite yet, but I'm sure it will end quite different!
That day I was the ally, standing in someone else's shoes. I wasn't the one who needed support. It felt so strange, like a memory from long ago that you don't remember ever happening. Or wearing your shoes on the wrong feet. It felt very like that. But it was a very nice change from my usual needs, of needing support day after day. I think I'm arriving, a little at least. I feel like I'm something, that was always waiting inside. I feel much more like I did, that day I was sitting, when that thought crossed my mine, and how it changed me forever. Today I can say, that the last 15 years was worth it. All the pain that I felt, all the struggles and the strife, all the depression and anger, all the lives that I shaped. Today I can say, 'This Is Who I Am' and not shy away. Today I am me, and no longer him. My future's not written, but now I can hope, that tomorrow hold such wonders, like love and joy. I will reach out and grab it, when It comes my way, and until then I'm waiting, for you to come find me
These questions they haunt me. So lost in my mind, I don't have an answer.
I would like to think, there somewhere I'm right, something fell into place, and who ever that person is, I wish I was them. To not have to go through this, every day, to see both the hatred, and the pain that I bring. To walk past a woman, then she breaks into tears, Can't help but to stop, and ask if everything is alright. She had lost a 'Daughter', in a tale such as mine. Over come with the loss, I sat and listened to her story.
She tried to hold back her tears as she recounted the past. So moving it was, that I too broke down and cried. Nothing has touched me, as much as her eyes. She looked at me how, my own mother would, And I could tell from her tears, just how much she was missed.
There was so much the same, her daughter and I. Where we grew up, and who we had been. Her story was over, I fought back my shivers, she had opened my eyes, and I nothing to give her.
So I have her a hug, and we cried for a while. And for the moment together, she felt like I was her daughter. Not so dead in a grave, but still alive and so happy.
I can't imagine the pain and the trials she has gone through, and I wonder now, if it would have been better, to have just kept on going, not care like I do.
But I didn't, I couldn't! That just wouldn't be me, I had stopped and I meddled, and worked my way in. I saw all her anger, her sorrow and joy. In some way, I hope that I helped, perhaps to help her come to terms, perhaps to help her understand what she had gone through.
I had told her my story, and where I was going. What I had feared, and what were my dreams. What I want, and what I missed. Who stood behind me, and who stood in my way. Who had stayed with me, and who threw me away. I told her of Madi, and Marc, and my Mom. I told her of Jason, and Derek, and Tom. I told her of Tia, and Maggie, and Madi some more. I opened my heart, and showed her what it held, I open my mind, and showed her my wisdom.
She may not have known it, but she helped me to see, just how much better I was doing, now that I'm being me. So much more can I offer, this beautiful world, When I'm not so sad and so lonely, and feeling depressed. Now I can wake up, a smile on my face, and greet each new morning, in this wonderful place. I don't hate myself as much as I did yesterday, and I'm sure tomorrow will hold more of the same.
I never got her name, but she will never be forgotten. My thoughts and feelings go out to you today and everyday after. I will not forget your story, for it has become a page in my own. My own is not finished, at least not quite yet, but I'm sure it will end quite different!
That day I was the ally, standing in someone else's shoes. I wasn't the one who needed support. It felt so strange, like a memory from long ago that you don't remember ever happening. Or wearing your shoes on the wrong feet. It felt very like that. But it was a very nice change from my usual needs, of needing support day after day. I think I'm arriving, a little at least. I feel like I'm something, that was always waiting inside. I feel much more like I did, that day I was sitting, when that thought crossed my mine, and how it changed me forever. Today I can say, that the last 15 years was worth it. All the pain that I felt, all the struggles and the strife, all the depression and anger, all the lives that I shaped. Today I can say, 'This Is Who I Am' and not shy away. Today I am me, and no longer him. My future's not written, but now I can hope, that tomorrow hold such wonders, like love and joy. I will reach out and grab it, when It comes my way, and until then I'm waiting, for you to come find me
Mood: 
Winter Downs
- Listening to: Shpongle - Invisible Man In A Fluorescent Suit
- Reading: The Story Of O
- Watching: Forced to withstand Football X(
- Playing: Dynasty Warriors Gundam 2
- Eating: Ginger Beef
- Drinking: Water
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