Magical Trevor!

So I had things put into perspective for me the other day by one of the other girls that I have group with. She summed it up for me that for where I am in my transition, i have lots to be proud of. Which is something that I hadn't realized. I am already living full time as a woman, with a job that supports me and lets me work like a regular person (for the most part), I'm already on T-blockers, I have a house that I feel safe at, a family that is as supportive as they can be and are trying there best, several friends who really care about me, and hell, I actually pass really well an top of it all. Its hard to not take something of meaning from all of that. I have some really exciting news to share too! I finally have my appointment to see my Endocrinologists in December. Which means, if all goes well, I could be on my Estrogen by Christmas. I'm so overly excited about this, but also terrified. But, it means that next year might just be the biggest year of my life. And definitely will be the biggest one to date anyways. Personally, I do hope that it is not the climax of my life.

Oh what to expect for next year? Hard to believe that this time next year, ill have some boobs. And maybe some hip’s and a bum too! Great, ill have to get all new pants as nothing is going to fit.

On less happy of fronts, I need to stop dreaming about my wedding. Even in my dreams it doesn't go well. Someone will stand up and make a comment about I shouldn't be getting married. And different things most of the time as to the why, from 'she is really a boy', to 'lesbians shouldn't get married', to the normal 'you should marry me not her' situations. And then there are the dreams where I'm up there in my dress, and suddenly everyone is laughing because I’m back to being a boy! Those ones I find are the ones I really wake up crying from. Not even in my dreams are my happiest day a happy event, geez, that sais more then I wish it did about my Mental landscape.

I'm still too scared to go into most stores and go shopping, Which really gets to me. Why should I be scared? What are they going to say that I pretty much haven't already heard from someone before? I'm I scared that they are judging me? Or judging me on how good of a woman I make? Or my clothing choices of things I want to try on? I don't know. But its something, maybe all of it together. And here I am, the mall junkie, scared to go to a mall. Wow have things changed since coming out. A place where I use to spend most of my waking hours, and even some of my non-awake ones too!

Still haven't made any head way yet on being able to sleep in my own bedroom Though, in my defense, I didn't really have the ability this weekend to do much of anything. Migraine headache and all for a good portion of my weekend. And while i am happy that it fell on my weekend and didn't have to miss any work, something I really cant afford to miss, I kind of irks me that it happens on my days off now. Cant predict these things, and there is not much I can do about them, but, really? On my weekends? WTF Brain, wtf?

And, for the first time in my life, I sort of feel like the person in the mirror is me. Its not all there yet, but its something. In fact, its more to me then I thought it would be. I know its something that I have wanted all my life, and something that I really felt would never happen. But, I see this girl looking back at me, she's cute and funny, and has these amazing eyes. And its me. And it doesn't make me hate myself seeing this person looking back. I'm not sure that there are words that would ever be good enough to describe this feeling, but, its amazing. And for the first time, looking in a mirror brought a smile to my face. And not one of my faked smiles like most people have seen, but a true smile, with tears attached. But, that feeling isn't always there, It still comes and goes depending on the day, but its a start. I just hope that some day, I truly will associate with my own face, and my face withOUT the amount of makeup that it takes to get here.

And Remember, everyone loves Magical Trevor!

• Mood: Winter Downs
• Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie
• Watching: Predators
• Playing: 12 String Guitar
• Eating: my lip
• Drinking: water

What Are We Here For?

So, I was at work today and listening to some music, and I'm not going to blow The Game (lol, which you just lost) (actually its name that tune I was talking about) that I have going with some people in my life, who also read this blog, so all you get are lyrics.

10 good reasons to stay alive
10 good reasons that I can't find
Oh, give me a reason to be beautiful
So sick in his body, so sick in his soul
Oh, give me one reason to be beautiful

So, i find that I relate to a lot of the stuff that she has written over the years, but this one really got me to thinking tonight. And I probably shouldn't have, like at all. I really sat down for a while and tried finding 10 reasons to stay alive. And I couldn't. Couldn't even come up with 5. I did get 3 decent ones, and one ok one. But... most of those are living for other people so that they don't have to suffer a loss of a friend or family member. So instead I apparently choose to stay here and suffer a little everyday of my life so that I don't cause someone else pain, even though the matter of my suffering does cause them pain. Now, I'm not trying to be all emo here, I'm really not, and I know that I'm probably going to hear about this later from some of my readers. But, I am having real trouble finding reasons for being alive, pretty much the only one that is truly keeping me here is my pursuit of love. And, I think we all know how much suffering and pain that topic can bring a person.

So, why I am writing this, is I would like you to sit down and have a real heart to heart with yourself some time in the near future, and try and figure out your reasons for being alive. Not what has kept you here, but what drives you to stay here. If you think about it, there is a really big difference between the two. I don't care if you share them with me, or anyone else for that matter. I know that my reasons are my own, and as much as I am into sharing a lot about myself, they are mine, and I don't ever want to make someone think that I am manipulating them by saying them (totally been accused of this in the past, and not even that long ago). And mostly because one of my reasons is so personal that, well, of the people who know about her, they would know how important she was to me, and... I should just close my mouth now, as anymore and not only will I have totally let it slip, but I'm going to be in tears again. So... Moving on...

I really hope that this doesn't turn into a nightmare for someone, I really want this to be enlightening and uplifting. A reaffirmation of our own existence. So try to think positively. And I realize how much of a hypocrite I am being by saying any such thing. But, Right now, I am trying to do the same thing. Failing horribly, but trying. And damn is that hard.


And to the one girl who will never read this. I love you, and I will never forget my promise. You were far too wise for one so short in years, and now you will forever be under my skin.

Lovingly Written By Charlotte

• Mood: Guilty
• Listening to: Brand New - Handcuffs
• Reading: Pride Entry's
• Watching: Upular
• Playing: Guitar
• Eating: Chinese food!
• Drinking: Green Tea

Sitting In The Dark

As I sit here in the dark, i cant help but to think. I woke up today happier then I have been in a long time, but as the hours tick by, alone here in the dark, I cant seem to escape the things that plague my mind. I dont feel like I fit today, and here is a comment that you might not understand, but I don't fit my skin today. Its a problem that I face all the time, and sometimes I deal with better then others. Today is a bad day however. I can't seem to stop crying. For the first time I have so much to be happy about. There are people in my life that care for me, a family that said they love me, and a couple special women who I think I could love and make happy. So why the tears? Why can't I find solstice in the happiness that pervades my life? I wish I could go relive those five minuets after I woke up where the world was a glow, there was nothing wrong, and I woke up with a smile for the first time in a year.

I just keep telling myself that it will be alright, that one day this will have gone away. I don't know if I'm just lying to myself, saying what I need to hear to pull through another day, or if I actually believe it. I know I would like to believe it. But there is a part of myself that refuses, the side of myself that doesn't accept that good things happen to me.

I need these nights to end. I need this darkness to fade away. I need the light to retake this soul, and mend these troubles.

But until that happens, Here I sit, alone in my bathroom, the water running, and my song book at hand, an unlit smoke hanging from my lip. I sit and bask in the dull lights glow, absorbing the heat and the humidity. Its all I know that helps my mind, so Ill do it until I cant. There is nothing more I can do, except to try my best.

Oh i wish the sun would rise

Mood: Tearful

Another day in the life...

Everything is going to be alright. Its something that again dawned on me again today. I have such problems looking to the future in general, but looking to the future and being happy about it? well now thats just something I've never gotten to experience. But today, while walking the hallways of my empty building, It did come to me. I am contently hung up on small things in my life. Like not being able to wear dresses. That one is totally what was getting me today. Sounds stupid right? Well, Yeah, it is. But it is important to me, along with a million other things just as small. But today I answered myself differently then I have before. Today instead of lamenting the simple fact that I just can't pull it off, I told myself instead that next year I will do it. Suddenly winter is just this thing that will happen, and when it is spring again things will be so much different. I've come a long way since April. And I imagine that by next April things will have changed at least that much again. Which is saying a lot considering what all has happened in the last 6 months. I am really excited about where life is going to lead me, where I am going to throw myself, and who will I know. I think I am actually being optimistic about life. Which is weirder then anything, as I am a pessimistic realist, I see the negative side of the real world, I never see that silver lining on the other side, I never look at the other lawns and think there so green. I keep seeing the storm clouds about to unleash their fury, and the dead grass with all the weeds that is my life.

So, on words with the latest news of my life, as, there is some! Yeah!

So I have been asked to write a monologue about my coming out to read at the University of Calgary in I believe December as part of the 'Coming out Monologues'. And they would like this years content to be at least 50% new material, and after talking with one of my new friends Lacey (last name withheld for good reason, duh!) about my story a bit she offered me the chance. One that I am really looking forward to. I don't know if I will have the courage to get up and read it myself, or if we will have a grad student read it instead. Would be really neat to do either of them I have to admit.

In other news, writing continues on my novel. It feels really good to do some serious writing again. And its something that I hold really dear to my heart. Figure my real love life is so bad, perhaps its time for a fictional one (yes I realize that this is perhaps the lamest thing I have said in my life, and I really only say it half-heartedly) but that is not the reason at all of why I'm writing it. Truth be told, I'm not sure where it came from in my mind, but I am really falling in love with it.

Tomorrow we all need to wear Purple. If you are not aware of why, you need to check out the campaign here [link]

And now that National Coming Out Day has come and past, I wanted to ask if anyone did anything special that day. I know that a certain pair of people who I hold very close to my own heart have a very special day that day, but I would really like to hear from others about what that day means to them. Rainbows and sparkles all around for anyone who actually answers.

I finally got a roommate that I think I might be able to not kill. Which means a bit of extra money to go around. Mostly for getting my visa payed off as I am in some serious debt that If I can actually work at getting it paid off, might be all gone by April I hope. Thats my goal anyways, but after that, It means that I can finally start putting aside some money for some much needed surgery's. And hopefully some traveling, as there are some places that I do want to see, or, rather people I would very much like to see. You know who you are

And I now have the internet setup in my house. Now, there is a long story about why that is something of actual importance. I use to be a nerd. Not just a nerd, But an Uber Nerd. I was one of those that helped destroy the English language into this l33t era of internet slang. I was a hard ware junkie of monumental proportions, even had my own super computer for a while. Yeah, That kind of geek. So, when I say that I haven't had the internet now in 6 years. I want that to really sink in.
Sunk in yet? Good. So now that I have a life, I wonder what about my life is going to change? What have I gotten myself into. I think I already regret this decision. Not like I really had much of a choice, as my new roommate is in College and does kind of really need it for school.

In other news, My job is going to be changing very soon. I will no longer be a night owl, and will soon be a beautiful Day person. Who gets to see people, and sunlight, and... snow. FUCK! Stupid Calgary winter.
Dear Winter, We Don't like you, please burden some other people please.

In more news, I don't know where my next possible relationship might take me. It makes me happier then I have been in a long time (Hell, I started thinking optimistically today, thats how much happier!) but, I worry, I worry about a lot of things, that I don't have any ability to control. And I am scared out of my mind. But, If I don't ever let myself be hurt, will I ever find the love I am looking for? Nothing can be gained with out first sacrificing, and that goes doubly if not trippily so for love. So... I don't know what I am going to do about it. But, I am thinking, and I'm thinking long and hard. For a couple reasons. First being that I don't trust anything that my brain tells me. I know there are 2 things in this world that I can trust without question. My Feet, Because they will always get me where I need to go, and its so totally true. I run myself on auto-pilot all the time, and still some how end up exactly where I was wanting to go. Even when totally engrossed in what I am doing and not even looking around. So, yes, I trust my feet. Sounds weird, and it is, by like 110% but...
The second that I trust is my heart. It gets me in trouble all the time. But, if I didn't trust it, I know I would be lost. I feel something for a reason, who am I to say that I don't feel that way? Thats my brains fault, which is why I don't trust it, as when I do, I will just second guess myself till the end of time. I will never get to where I want to go by being cold and logical, it might work for other people, but it doesn't for me. I will follow my heart forever, and I will try my best to not keep what is in my heart inside anymore. I did that too much in my past life, time to grow a little.

I still have not found it in myself to actually leave my house and get out to meet people. Wish I could, but then again, I kind of wish I could sleep in a bed too, but still no movement on that front. And I pretty much don't have much choice in the matter now that I have a roommate. Going to have to make some life changes there too. *sigh*

Had group therapy the other night. Did get out of the house for that much at least. Which is meeting new people I guess, as I have made some more friends from it. Won't talk about it, as thats the groups rules. But I really do want to say for those readers in similar situations to my own (for which I am sorry that you too are having to go through something that no person should have ever had to do) is that I really do find that group therapy does help. I know that most weeks I go with intentions of wanting to talk about something that I realize is something that I really shouldn't be talking about at all at group but something that I should be sitting down with a mental health professional and discussing, but every time I do go, I bring something back from it. And while it wasn't what I had wanted, it was something that I needed. So for those of you who have not gone to your local group therapy, or for those that have stopped going for what ever reason. Perhaps its time to think about going, or going to again. If only perhaps to reaffirm that you are not going through this alone.

And so, with that. I wrap up another exciting entry of my blog. I would like to say to all my readers out there that are still single and unhappy about it, that there is someone out there for you. They are looking for you just as hard as you are looking for them. Keep your chin up and your heart open. Don't be shy, because it can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. So if there is someone in your life that you like but can't find the courage to do something about for any of the million reasons that we have for not saying so, Just be true to your heart, trust in yourself, and good things will happen when we are being true to ourselves. Who knows where it will take you.

With all the love a heart with so many cracks in it can muster, I wish you all a good day.
Charlotte

• Mood: Delighted
• Listening to: Reel Big Fish with Zolf the Rock& Roll Destroy
• Reading: My own blog!
• Watching: Johna Hex, AWFUL!
• Playing: Guitar
• Eating: food?
• Drinking: coffee, I don't work tomorrow!

Times are changing, and I don't like what I see

i am shaking with emotion @ [link] It sickens me to my core and I don't know what to do. So Please take the time to read it. I implore you!

That is all. I just can't handle writing any more right now.

• Mood: Hysterical
• Listening to: My Chattering Teeth
• Reading: Dented Blue Mercedes
• Watching: my hands shake
• Drinking: Stupid amounts of water Still

Freedom

Yes, I know that I JUST posted up a new entry. But this just came back to me, and its what I have been wanting to get out for a couple days now. So. Sit, Read, Don't complain that I write too much. Because... Well... its what I do.



This isn't freedom! People love to say we live in this great country with all the freedoms we could want, but we don't all now do we? And there are people trying to take some of those away as hard as they can. I live in fear every second of everyday, even in my own home. Fear of physical violence being done upon my body, fear of emotional scaring being done to my mind, and fear of the emotional harm being done to my soul. And I scared that I will feel this for the rest of my life. I know that I will be Transgendered for the rest of my life. Nothing I can do, say, or feel will ever change that. And I am ok with that. But, people view us differently. I have been struggling with some of the personal relationships that I have in life of late. And among people who have known me for a really long time, I know deep down that they are never going to see me as Charlotte, some have as much as said so, and others are trying there best to hide it. But, I can tell, and it cuts deep into my soul. But there is nothing I can do about it. And there never will be. What do I do about it? Do I cut these people out of my life because they wish all the time that I would go back to being a boy? Do I put up with it and just hope that some day something will change? I now live in a world where building the human connection with people has become exceedingly hard. I use to be able to talk to ANYONE. Seriously, there had to be something seriously wrong with you for me to not be able to talk about something. I was the social butterfly's of social butterfly's. Now, I have to be on guard all the time for signs of how people are looking at me and responding to me. Have they pegged me as transgendered? What did they just feel when they did? Is this the day that we all fear where I will be beaten and raped within an inch of my life? Or was that look they just gave me the one I have been looking my whole life for? Interest.

After coming out all those months ago. I had the chance to talk with lots of people just out on the street, waiting at bus stops, riding the train, about the who and what I am. I was a walking pamphlet on transgenders. Now? People avoid looking at me after the first glance. And the ones who don't? they scare me even more. The few people I have found to have an interest in people like me, most have been so creepy you would never have stopped to talk to them even if you were related to them. Sends chills down my spine. There are so few places in my life where I even feel a little bit safe. My home, where I work, support group, and the club. If I'm not in one of these places, I'm probably terrified. And even in these places, I do feel scared.

And I think that my fears of something happening have gotten steadily worse every step I take to being more passable. I remember the looks men gave me when I first started going out dressed as me. They were the looks of people who were offended by my presence there, but that was mostly all. Now? I feel them looking at me from afar, which is fine, I think. I think and hope that I'm passable at a distance, but they get up close and get a good look at me, and the reaction is one that I truly fear will be a violent one at times. Transgenderism has been so badly stigmatized in our society that for a straight man to even think for a second that someone who may have been a boy once to have made him even look twice, the proverbial trap that we are, is such an affront to him, that the look of hatred is so unmasked and unveiled. I've started to get use to it to the point now where I have finally started going out in public without my sunglasses on, which if you know me, never happens. Now I hardly even look at people. I go about my day in ignorance of the people around me. Something I have never done, and highly dislike doing. I have always been a people watcher, and now I have to make time to go out and watch people? So strange! Don't think I'll ever get use to just ignoring everyone. Sure do hope doing so doesn't get me into some trouble that I could have avoided by just being scared of everyone around me. But that brings me back to my main point. Its not freedom if I am having to live scared because something, sometimes, somewhere might in theory happen to me. My family is so afraid for me, and now I just shrug it off. I think of this as a positive, but could it be a negative? I guess there is both sides to everything, and usually I can see most of them, but on this one? Not a clue. I'm just doing what I feel I have to do to get through all of this. I almost look at this as a social breakdown on my part. Losing something that was so ingrained that it truly was a part of my personality, and one of the few that I wouldn't have given up for anything. That it is leaving me, that I am losing my social grace and tact, that I am not using my heightened social skills in any facet of my life (I work nights, theres no one here, God I miss retail)is really depressing. I knew when I decided to transition that there were parts about myself that I would have to get rid of. For example, being a people pleaser, and caring so much about what other people think of me. Which is kind of strange for a couple reasons, the first being the fact that I am a rebellious punk at heart. I'm not suppose to care what others think of me. It goes with the mentality. But I do, or I did. As this is something that I have gotten rid of, it was the first. I wouldn't have been able to tell anyone or ever put on clothes for other people If I hadn't. And I feel better for it. Now I can start living my life by my rules. Yeah, there are some that I still have to stick to, some far to close for my liking, but living as a trans-gendered woman has some rules too that we have to follow. So I am going to try my best. But just because the rest of the female population somewhere along the line lost what it meant to be feminine (how we hold our bodies and arms and hands, our walk and posture, the small mannerism ect.) doesn't mean that you can tell me I'm not allowed to do these things. Perhaps someone needs to set a trend again. I think it would be a nice change for society if we all kind of went back to being polite and courteous and proper wouldn't you? I sure would like to model myself after some of those some days. Not all the time, but what if its what actually feel natural for me? Take for instance my walk, I have gotten a lot of praise on it. People love it, its not that it stands out a lot from others, I just walk like a woman with confidence (even if that confidence is only skin deep it really shows and can make it or break it on getting pegged) who could have done some modeling. Instead, my mother harps on me all the time. Go back to how you use to walk she said, Granted, the also said that I should act and hold myself exactly how I did as a boy too. Dealing with this at all Mother? I think Not! Or the other big one, how I hold my hands and arms sometimes. Ok, yeah, kind of really girl-y, but its natural. Yeah, I can think about how I stand and act and present myself every second of every day, I could, but I sure don't want to. I do enough of that already now. Like I wasn't overly conscious of myself. But some of my habits that I know to be girl-y, Yeah, I am going to let some of those just slide in from time to time. Hell, I've been trying my hardest forever to hide just those things. It's no wonder my Parents didn't believe me when I came out. Can't explain it though, my Mother was doing kind of well with the handling of all this before, but lately she's back to doubting me. Even more so since I actually got diagnosed. Like the expert in the field doesn't have a clue what he was talking about or something. And on the note of my hands, yes, I crook my hands at the wrist from time to time in a very girly manner. How did such a habit form? I totally know this one. From years as a smoker living in places with wind and cold where we wear long jackets that will blow around in the wind. How many times have a burnt a hole in a coat because of the wind getting all caught up around my smoke? too many to count, but the hand crook does the trick of it NOT happening. So it translated over into another area of my life. So what, people need to learn to deal with the small shit that is as much a display of who a person is as much as there hair or eyes. its not like I'm walking around always scratching myself in areas that shouldn't be touched in public, or with my gut hanging out like I just don't care (granted I don't have a gut at all but still). I think I just need people to stop telling how to act. I'll figure that out on my own. Trust me, it is important to me, just not what your opinion of it is. As once again, thats not living free. Thats what a good part of accepting myself was about. The opportunity to get to explore myself. I didn't grow up as a man, I started as a boy, I had to learn how to do man things. Well, the same will hold true for being a woman now. I was not born as a mature woman, I am starting back at the beginning, just with the added wisdom of 27 years. Doesn't mean I have all the in's and out's figured out yet. I will make mistakes, I will pay for them (hopefully not with my life, but if I do, it was because I was being me and that is something I won't change ever again!) and I will continue to move forward in life.


So I keep bringing up my Mother, and eluding to a conversation that no one will know about. So the other day my Mother asked my if I was just going to be a woman, or if I was going to be a drag queen. Like there was no middle ground at all in there. First off, I do NOT see myself as a drag queen. That is a whole different can of worms, and I'm pretty sure they would say the same thing. But my mother sees being girly as being a drag queen I think. I think that she forgets that though I have know for almost as long as I can remember that I knew I was a girl. Actually being a girl is something that is so frighteningly new for me, and that this is just the beginning of my story.



Alright, as always, I have no idea if that went anywhere or if it was even understandable to anyone other then myself. My Rants have a habit of doing that when I'm writing them. Oh to have a camera crew following me and recording everything I do. That would be so cool. Or at least handy, as I know after a while I would have to threaten Squirrelly-Wrath on them. Oh the hours of footage of me hurting myself. Yup, I'm sure you would all enjoy those. Hell, what little there has been documented even made me shoot root beer out my nose on a couple occasions.


"And I don't want to come back down from this cloud, taken me all this time to find out what I need, yeah" -Bush X

• Mood: Pride
• Listening to: Bush X
• Reading: Show Notes
• Watching: Security Camera's
• Playing: Pokemon
• Eating: Pasta
• Drinking: Stupid amounts of water Still

Clarity

So, after my post last week about coping, and my lack there of. I wanted to clear something up that is really important. At the end of it, i was speaking of the fact that I wanted to hurt myself. And while yes there are times when I feel taking my life would clear up so much of this, or everything really, as after its done we really have little concern. But I wanted to make it really clear, I will not be taking my life. And I kind of what to explore why. You see, when I tried killing myself on April 23 of this year, several things happened. One, I decided that I had to come out as being trans, and to do something about it. I had fought it for a really long time, and everyday was getting harder to be this boy that I wasn't. Things were at a point in my life, where if they didn't change then, they would forever be getting worse. So as I sat there with my glass of milk, I heavily considered this. So after much soul searching, and finding something in myself that was worth keeping alive, I made a decision. And here I sit today. But during all that, a mental state of mind was reached. Daniel (this girls boy name) effectively died that day. I have not been him since that day. His life did end in a suicide attempt. But from it someone new was born. Charlotte, and she made a decision too. She was going to do what ever it took to make this a reality. She would put up with society and their very negative views of her, she would become a member of that society, she would make a difference everyday to someone, that she would one day be happier, and that she was the shining light that inhabited the insides of this body. I may feel down, and I may think about hurting myself to take some of the pain away. And I have thought about killing myself. But it's these things that I think back on and know that I can do what I have to do. People don't get a second chance often in life to start over, but I did. I had to fight to get it, but I'm not going to start handing it away.

So now that is cleared up, some I hope anyways. On words and up words! I had a very... different long weekend. See, Up here in Canada, we do that whole thanksgiving thing in October, Strange to you south of the border I know. So I had 4 days off from Friday all the way to Monday. Lots of time to get out and do things right? LOL. If only. I said last week before the weekend that I needed to start taking the advise i give out to heart, and to start doing more things out of the house, meet some new people, and start living life. So, that is what I had planned on doing. At one point I had kind of planned on getting out to the bar or club every day off. Sounds absolutely stupid I know. It is, a person doesn't need to drink that much, and I'm not much of a drinker anyways. Wasn't why I was going. I wanted to get out and socialize with like minded people, so, the club. Because its one of a few places in my city where I don't feel like I stand out to everyone. I do sometimes forget that I can actually pass these days with some success, I guess I am so hyper-critical of my own looks that I rarely see the woman looking back at me in the mirror which I hope one day will change. Any ways, back to the point and the story. So, never once got out to a drinking establishment. Friday, two of my closest friends and I were going to be getting together. There was a lot of confusion with what our plans were, but two of us were thinking pub, and the other? Thinking dinner at her house. Which is what we ended up doing. Got home at about 2am in a cab after having taken one there to begin with. The idea of 2 buses and a train to get to her house after having missed my first bus was more then I could take. We had a great time hanging out and playing with cats and doing stuff of the green nature. Was introduced to Vampire Diaries (pretty neat show now that I know what everyone is talking about) and that was the night. So on to Saturday. I had totally planned on going to the club that night. Even if I had to go alone. Considering that last time I was at the club I ended up spending only about 1/4 of the night with my friends and the rest talking to new people and only getting onto the dance floor for about 10 mins max. I figured I might actually be just fine by myself. Didn't happen. So my brother phones me at noon asking if it would be alright for him to drop off some money that he owe's me for our rent. Thinking that he had thinks to do (like pack so that he can move into the house he is not already paying for) I thought he'd be gone pretty quick and that I could get to bed again. He kind of left sometime late in the afternoon on Sunday after having spent the day, the night, and then the day again at my house. Should have just left him there while I left to have some girl fun. But just couldn't bear to do it to him. So, we played way too much video games and smoked a lot and slept some and watched some movies. It really was all quite fun, but it did leave me with the feeling that I had missed doing something that I had really wanted to do a lot. At some point on Saturday, my parents were trying to get a hold of me. Now, I'm not much for my Family, and they would agree without hesitation, hell, I did ruin Christmas last year by not showing up for it. In my defense I had broken 2 ribs on the 24th at a friends house, my phone had died, and I really couldn't move around much without doubling over in pain, but somehow that got lost in the fact that the parents did have the police out looking for me. Oh, and work was worried sick too. As I had totally missed working on the 24th. Right, Parents. Yeah, not much for my family. So I wan't exactly enthusiastic about spending thanksgiving dinner with them. Kind of wanted to go to ~LostTogethers for dinner instead, as they are my second family, and I like them more. So when I did talk to my mother very briefly on Saturday, I had said that I would see them on Sunday. Biting the bullet, I decided that even thought It sure wasn't what I wanted to do. Things like this are probably more important to other people then they are to me, and that I should be there. My mothers response was that they were going out of town to see our relatives, some of which don't know about me yet. So Its not like I was really invited to that. So, Got out of that one free and clear, and had a fantastic night with my other family. We had a Way-word children thanksgiving, as I wasn't the only one without there family for the holiday. So it was really great. Good food, good friends, and good times. Can't really ask for more now can we? Which brings us to Monday, and another day of not getting to the places I wanted. So, instead of dinner on Sunday with the rents, we had lunch on Monday instead. I however, work nights, I am up at night, I do things at night, I am a night person, though at time against my will. So the concept of lunch actually happening at noon, seems to be a foreign concept to me. As when my mother phones me at 11:30 and wondering where I am, she's none to thrilled about the fact that I was still in bed. But, it all worked out alright. Didn't have to be there that long, had some waffles and bacon! And got to talk some more of those kinds of talks that you never actually want to have with a rent. So, ups and downs on that one. But my mother asked me about my plans for the night, as they were thinking of dropping some stuff off for me later in the evening. I said that I was going to be heading out for the night and wouldn't be home, thinking to myself that I was totally going to go home, get all dressy and good looking, and head to the club on a cold Monday night. So when I got home. I decided that I needed to smoke a bowl to help the pain that was residing in most of my body (nothing new, its half of why I smoke, aka: Medicinally used Mary-jane). Well, as I always just about do, I also brought out my guitar, which has been sitting lonely and uncared for in the corner for a couple weeks now as my hand has been broken. And I really love playing the guitar, if that somehow hasn't been made super clear by this point. After having been in the yard for like 10 mins. I get this crazy notion in my head that I haven't used my amp in way to long. As I just play my electric unamped most the time. So the next thing I know. I am sitting outside in the cold (yes we are having a great October, but it is still cold!) with my amp and guitar with my headphones (as Im sure that the neighbors really don't want to hear someone practicing through out the whole neighborhood (fun though that is ) with my smokes and my greenery. Sat for about 4 hours just doing what I do before I decided that I had to head in as my fingers were getting to cold to do what they needed to any more. And then I went inside and watched some tv on dvd (as I never watch it live ever) (and my next point will be about exactly what and why I was watching, but i'm getting to that). Got to sleep somewhere around 5am, and had to be up before noon for the cable guy to come and hook up internet in my house on Tuesday (which is today) and then I got to work a 12 hour shift (which I am doing right now). So, busy long weekend of doing pretty much nothing of what I had planned on doing. There goes me taking my own advise and meeting new people. Will have to make sure I get out and do that next week.

So, back to the watching of T.V. and they why and what for of it all. So... I have a problem with Doctors in general, and hospitals in particular. People go there to die. Peoples lives are changed forever in hospitals, and its rarely in a good way. They scare me, a lot! But, the problem with this, is that at some point in the hopefully near future, I will be spending some time in a couple what with Gender reassignment, and facial surgery, and breast implants, and... well, the list doesn't go on much more, but I don't want to let those cats out of the bag yet. So, going to be seeing the insides of more hospitals then I want to at some point. So... what do I do about it? Do I go get some counselling? Do I go stand inside the lobby for a while and slowly work my way farther in? Do I do something else inane and weird? Oh hell no! Instead, I'm going to sit and inundate myself with medical drama. See, I am really kind of weird (IMO) in that I love medicine. Think I would like to be a nurse one day. But this totally goes against my inner phobias of medical establishments. Pretty bad huh? So, I do love watching medical dramas, and if I could ever meet who ever Dr. House is based on, I might actually be cured (lord is there a lot wrong with me, even House would have a field day with me), but at the same time, they reinforce my phobias. So, I better just drown myself in shows that take place in hospitals. So I just watched about 16 hours of ER in the last 24 hours. Yeah, diving head first into this physiological experiment of self-help. I can't say that I have done anything on the idea of liking hospitals any more then I had before, but I will say that I have fallen back in love with Noah Wyle. Cuz, you know, thats healthy...

So. All in all. I feel I have had a positive 4 days off, despite not getting my house cleaned at all, any of my laundry done, or even having slept in my own bed at all. All of which I do really need to get done, and now will be having to lose what little sleep I get this week to do. Yeah, that sounds fun considering I work 12 hour shifts at night, and actually count the mins that I sleep.

So with that readers, I will bid you ado as I have taken up far more of your time then you really ever needed to spend reading the writings of this tired addled mind.

And Because it did just pass us. Happy National Coming Out Day. If you haven't come out yet, just remember, Closets are for clothes..... and sleeping in when I am suffering from a migraine

• Mood: Pride
• Listening to: Anti-Flag
• Reading: Show Notes
• Watching: Security Camera's
• Playing: Pokemon
• Eating: Pasta
• Drinking: Stupid amounts of water Still

Titles Go Here <----

So there was something that I did want to talk and share with you today, but I just don't feel up to it right now. Perhaps some day soon I will. But, in the mean time, please enjoy the super art upload of today. Don't expect this quantity of uploads at once again, this was a one time thing I think.

Well, I get the internet hooked up at my house next week, which is the first time in 5 years I've had it in my abode. Seems strange considering just how much of a geek I am, or at least use to be, then I got this thing called a life, and everything kind of changed so.... Yeah, internet! Expect to see more of me online.

I might get a chance to do some more photos this weekend, but I some how doubt i'll get much done. I plan on heading to the bar with ~LostTogether tomorrow, then to the gay bar on Saturday probably by myself. I gave some advise yesterday to a friend saying that it was important that you get out and meet new people. And I felt bad after words for saying so, because yes, it is very good advise, and its really easy for me to sit here and say it, but its another thing to actually go out and do it. So, I'm getting of my pink with glitter soapbox and following my own advise. I'm going to go out of my house. And dammit, I'm going to enjoy it. I keep finding that on my 4 day weekends (which is every weekend for me) that I get a touch of agoraphobia, I can't even make myself walk the 4 block to 711 to get smokes. Instead I'll just suffer from withdraw, but when it comes time to go back to work, I have no problem at all. Its so weird. I think i just feel really vulnerable. And living on my own hasn't helped that in the least.

Anyways. I should stop writing now. Not because I am done writing by any means. I just think I should.

Oh, And going to have a breakdown now

• Mood: Rant
• Listening to: Nirvana
• Reading: DA Journals
• Drinking: Stupid amounts of water

Nuts, Completely Nuts. Like a Squirrel!

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Yup, just a little crazy these days. The emotional roller coater that I seem to be on is... fun? Yesterday I was not doing well, at all. Today? Happier then words could describe. Maybe its the music in my soul today, or my confidence in how I look today. Or perhaps it was talking to my cousin that I haven't talked to in almost 3 years today. Which was kind of neat. Got to come out to him about myself, and we talked about growing up in our separate house holds and the differences with the family units we were gifted with.

Either way. I wish I could feel like this for the rest of my life. As, this is a feeling that I never had before coming out. And I have gotten to feel like this off and on since then. And its fantastic. This is my goal, truly. This is what its all for. To be happy with myself, its such an awesome and overpowering feeling. I know that tomorrow I'm really going to miss this feeling. But I have confidence in the world and myself that I will be here once again.

Ok, time to art some more. As, Ive posted and taken lots of photos today. And Hey, Met Danny Glover... That was AWESOME. Now, next big actor I get to meet? Bob Saget, In December. Can't wait. That man cracks me up!

• Mood: Ecstatic
• Listening to: Dr. Horrible/ Barenaked ladies
• Reading: Houseing listings
• Playing: with photoshop
• Eating: Fruit
• Drinking: water, Lots of water

Coping

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I'm not coping with this these days. Sort of dawned on my tonight. I'm just going through the motions right now. I keep telling myself that the only thing that is going to help is time. Time, time and more time. I know that I have problems with waiting for things. I have that instant gratification problem. But when you have gone through life with the mentality that any day could be my last and for reasons I have would have no control over, planning for anything in the future was so hard, that I just stopped doing it. Growing up, after having figured out what I was, I tried my best to not let myself dream of what life could, SHOULD have been like. Only in my dreams was I ever me, I tried my best everyday to be a boy. But now that I have come out, and am living life as I should, I feel I don't know myself at times. I again don't know how to react and respond to everyday situations. When I feel I am in control of a situation, I feel at ease with being myself, but when I'm not, I pull back into my shell and go back to being a boy. Its not that I have ever felt like him, but as him I knew how to protect myself. But that is something that I relate to being a woman, is a amount of vulnerability, if that makes any sense.

But there are times through this, that I have scared myself with what I have found inside myself, about who I am. There is a lot I have found that I love about myself, but there are some things that chill me to the bone. And i don't know how to deal with those aspects of myself.

I know that I'm depressed right now. The things that I do to help keep my mind off things, which I pass off as coping mechanisms, I can't do right now, due to my broken hand. I miss my guitar, and I miss my constant mussing of insain rambling thoughts. I've had some close friends really comment about how... strangely I do things. I have my own way. But its not very comforting to know that everyone else just see's me as bat shit crazy some days. And these are the few people who I would say know me at all. Really makes me fear having to actually talk to someone about it in a clinical setting. I've been scared for half my life that the second I opened up about myself I would be soon be committed. And while that fear has been slightly aliveated, or at least for the moment, I do still wonder and fear if with everything else that I have gone through in life hasn't... affected me, in ways that can't be healed. And the more I learn about myself, the more that fear grows. But I can't keep avoiding this. I have to get some help, from the people I fear more then anything else. And I am going to pay them stupid amounts of money to do it. I have tried to have a transition with as little as possible help from a shrink, and have thus far been successful, but... how much longer am I really going to last if the only voice I have to share with is my own? I go a little bit more crazy everyday, and I'm scared to admit it. That those closest to me have noticed how much odder I have gotten over the last 6 months... wow 6 months, sorry that just hadn't set in yet... is more then a little bit of concern to me. I don't know what it is. Perhaps its the feeling of getting to drop my guard and just be me, or perhaps the first stages of discovering the personality that I've forced to lay dormant for so many years, one which has been coming out more and more in the last couple years. What ever it is, It makes me want to run and hide again. And I don't mean I want to go back to being a boy, I just mean that I want to go somewhere far away, where people don't know me, and no one will judge me on what I use to be, who I use to say I was.

All I know right now, I need some sleep, to take my pills, play my guitar, and phone a shrink in the morning and get an appointment. Because right now, I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself.

• Mood: Miserable
• Listening to: Deadmau5
• Reading: Loclif's Blog
• Watching: Kimber's Vblog
• Eating: Dumplings
• Drinking: Root Beer