Everything is going to be alright. Its something that again dawned on me again today. I have such problems looking to the future in general, but looking to the future and being happy about it? well now thats just something I've never gotten to experience. But today, while walking the hallways of my empty building, It did come to me. I am contently hung up on small things in my life. Like not being able to wear dresses. That one is totally what was getting me today. Sounds stupid right? Well, Yeah, it is. But it is important to me, along with a million other things just as small. But today I answered myself differently then I have before. Today instead of lamenting the simple fact that I just can't pull it off, I told myself instead that next year I will do it. Suddenly winter is just this thing that will happen, and when it is spring again things will be so much different. I've come a long way since April. And I imagine that by next April things will have changed at least that much again. Which is saying a lot considering what all has happened in the last 6 months. I am really excited about where life is going to lead me, where I am going to throw myself, and who will I know. I think I am actually being optimistic about life. Which is weirder then anything, as I am a pessimistic realist, I see the negative side of the real world, I never see that silver lining on the other side, I never look at the other lawns and think there so green. I keep seeing the storm clouds about to unleash their fury, and the dead grass with all the weeds that is my life.
So, on words with the latest news of my life, as, there is some! Yeah!
So I have been asked to write a monologue about my coming out to read at the University of Calgary in I believe December as part of the 'Coming out Monologues'. And they would like this years content to be at least 50% new material, and after talking with one of my new friends Lacey (last name withheld for good reason, duh!) about my story a bit she offered me the chance. One that I am really looking forward to. I don't know if I will have the courage to get up and read it myself, or if we will have a grad student read it instead. Would be really neat to do either of them I have to admit.
In other news, writing continues on my novel. It feels really good to do some serious writing again. And its something that I hold really dear to my heart. Figure my real love life is so bad, perhaps its time for a fictional one (yes I realize that this is perhaps the lamest thing I have said in my life, and I really only say it half-heartedly) but that is not the reason at all of why I'm writing it. Truth be told, I'm not sure where it came from in my mind, but I am really falling in love with it.
Tomorrow we all need to wear Purple. If you are not aware of why, you need to check out the campaign here [link]
And now that National Coming Out Day has come and past, I wanted to ask if anyone did anything special that day. I know that a certain pair of people who I hold very close to my own heart have a very special day that day, but I would really like to hear from others about what that day means to them. Rainbows and sparkles all around for anyone who actually answers.
I finally got a roommate that I think I might be able to not kill. Which means a bit of extra money to go around. Mostly for getting my visa payed off as I am in some serious debt that If I can actually work at getting it paid off, might be all gone by April I hope. Thats my goal anyways, but after that, It means that I can finally start putting aside some money for some much needed surgery's. And hopefully some traveling, as there are some places that I do want to see, or, rather people I would very much like to see. You know who you are
And I now have the internet setup in my house. Now, there is a long story about why that is something of actual importance. I use to be a nerd. Not just a nerd, But an Uber Nerd. I was one of those that helped destroy the English language into this l33t era of internet slang. I was a hard ware junkie of monumental proportions, even had my own super computer for a while. Yeah, That kind of geek. So, when I say that I haven't had the internet now in 6 years. I want that to really sink in.
Sunk in yet? Good. So now that I have a life, I wonder what about my life is going to change? What have I gotten myself into. I think I already regret this decision. Not like I really had much of a choice, as my new roommate is in College and does kind of really need it for school.
In other news, My job is going to be changing very soon. I will no longer be a night owl, and will soon be a beautiful Day person. Who gets to see people, and sunlight, and... snow. FUCK! Stupid Calgary winter.
Dear Winter, We Don't like you, please burden some other people please.
In more news, I don't know where my next possible relationship might take me. It makes me happier then I have been in a long time (Hell, I started thinking optimistically today, thats how much happier!) but, I worry, I worry about a lot of things, that I don't have any ability to control. And I am scared out of my mind. But, If I don't ever let myself be hurt, will I ever find the love I am looking for? Nothing can be gained with out first sacrificing, and that goes doubly if not trippily so for love. So... I don't know what I am going to do about it. But, I am thinking, and I'm thinking long and hard. For a couple reasons. First being that I don't trust anything that my brain tells me. I know there are 2 things in this world that I can trust without question. My Feet, Because they will always get me where I need to go, and its so totally true. I run myself on auto-pilot all the time, and still some how end up exactly where I was wanting to go. Even when totally engrossed in what I am doing and not even looking around. So, yes, I trust my feet. Sounds weird, and it is, by like 110% but...
The second that I trust is my heart. It gets me in trouble all the time. But, if I didn't trust it, I know I would be lost. I feel something for a reason, who am I to say that I don't feel that way? Thats my brains fault, which is why I don't trust it, as when I do, I will just second guess myself till the end of time. I will never get to where I want to go by being cold and logical, it might work for other people, but it doesn't for me. I will follow my heart forever, and I will try my best to not keep what is in my heart inside anymore. I did that too much in my past life, time to grow a little.
I still have not found it in myself to actually leave my house and get out to meet people. Wish I could, but then again, I kind of wish I could sleep in a bed too, but still no movement on that front. And I pretty much don't have much choice in the matter now that I have a roommate. Going to have to make some life changes there too. *sigh*
Had group therapy the other night. Did get out of the house for that much at least. Which is meeting new people I guess, as I have made some more friends from it. Won't talk about it, as thats the groups rules. But I really do want to say for those readers in similar situations to my own (for which I am sorry that you too are having to go through something that no person should have ever had to do) is that I really do find that group therapy does help. I know that most weeks I go with intentions of wanting to talk about something that I realize is something that I really shouldn't be talking about at all at group but something that I should be sitting down with a mental health professional and discussing, but every time I do go, I bring something back from it. And while it wasn't what I had wanted, it was something that I needed. So for those of you who have not gone to your local group therapy, or for those that have stopped going for what ever reason. Perhaps its time to think about going, or going to again. If only perhaps to reaffirm that you are not going through this alone.
And so, with that. I wrap up another exciting entry of my blog. I would like to say to all my readers out there that are still single and unhappy about it, that there is someone out there for you. They are looking for you just as hard as you are looking for them. Keep your chin up and your heart open. Don't be shy, because it can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. So if there is someone in your life that you like but can't find the courage to do something about for any of the million reasons that we have for not saying so, Just be true to your heart, trust in yourself, and good things will happen when we are being true to ourselves. Who knows where it will take you.
With all the love a heart with so many cracks in it can muster, I wish you all a good day.
Charlotte
So, on words with the latest news of my life, as, there is some! Yeah!
So I have been asked to write a monologue about my coming out to read at the University of Calgary in I believe December as part of the 'Coming out Monologues'. And they would like this years content to be at least 50% new material, and after talking with one of my new friends Lacey (last name withheld for good reason, duh!) about my story a bit she offered me the chance. One that I am really looking forward to. I don't know if I will have the courage to get up and read it myself, or if we will have a grad student read it instead. Would be really neat to do either of them I have to admit.
In other news, writing continues on my novel. It feels really good to do some serious writing again. And its something that I hold really dear to my heart. Figure my real love life is so bad, perhaps its time for a fictional one (yes I realize that this is perhaps the lamest thing I have said in my life, and I really only say it half-heartedly) but that is not the reason at all of why I'm writing it. Truth be told, I'm not sure where it came from in my mind, but I am really falling in love with it.
Tomorrow we all need to wear Purple. If you are not aware of why, you need to check out the campaign here [link]
And now that National Coming Out Day has come and past, I wanted to ask if anyone did anything special that day. I know that a certain pair of people who I hold very close to my own heart have a very special day that day, but I would really like to hear from others about what that day means to them. Rainbows and sparkles all around for anyone who actually answers.
I finally got a roommate that I think I might be able to not kill. Which means a bit of extra money to go around. Mostly for getting my visa payed off as I am in some serious debt that If I can actually work at getting it paid off, might be all gone by April I hope. Thats my goal anyways, but after that, It means that I can finally start putting aside some money for some much needed surgery's. And hopefully some traveling, as there are some places that I do want to see, or, rather people I would very much like to see. You know who you are
And I now have the internet setup in my house. Now, there is a long story about why that is something of actual importance. I use to be a nerd. Not just a nerd, But an Uber Nerd. I was one of those that helped destroy the English language into this l33t era of internet slang. I was a hard ware junkie of monumental proportions, even had my own super computer for a while. Yeah, That kind of geek. So, when I say that I haven't had the internet now in 6 years. I want that to really sink in.
Sunk in yet? Good. So now that I have a life, I wonder what about my life is going to change? What have I gotten myself into. I think I already regret this decision. Not like I really had much of a choice, as my new roommate is in College and does kind of really need it for school.
In other news, My job is going to be changing very soon. I will no longer be a night owl, and will soon be a beautiful Day person. Who gets to see people, and sunlight, and... snow. FUCK! Stupid Calgary winter.
Dear Winter, We Don't like you, please burden some other people please.
In more news, I don't know where my next possible relationship might take me. It makes me happier then I have been in a long time (Hell, I started thinking optimistically today, thats how much happier!) but, I worry, I worry about a lot of things, that I don't have any ability to control. And I am scared out of my mind. But, If I don't ever let myself be hurt, will I ever find the love I am looking for? Nothing can be gained with out first sacrificing, and that goes doubly if not trippily so for love. So... I don't know what I am going to do about it. But, I am thinking, and I'm thinking long and hard. For a couple reasons. First being that I don't trust anything that my brain tells me. I know there are 2 things in this world that I can trust without question. My Feet, Because they will always get me where I need to go, and its so totally true. I run myself on auto-pilot all the time, and still some how end up exactly where I was wanting to go. Even when totally engrossed in what I am doing and not even looking around. So, yes, I trust my feet. Sounds weird, and it is, by like 110% but...
The second that I trust is my heart. It gets me in trouble all the time. But, if I didn't trust it, I know I would be lost. I feel something for a reason, who am I to say that I don't feel that way? Thats my brains fault, which is why I don't trust it, as when I do, I will just second guess myself till the end of time. I will never get to where I want to go by being cold and logical, it might work for other people, but it doesn't for me. I will follow my heart forever, and I will try my best to not keep what is in my heart inside anymore. I did that too much in my past life, time to grow a little.
I still have not found it in myself to actually leave my house and get out to meet people. Wish I could, but then again, I kind of wish I could sleep in a bed too, but still no movement on that front. And I pretty much don't have much choice in the matter now that I have a roommate. Going to have to make some life changes there too. *sigh*
Had group therapy the other night. Did get out of the house for that much at least. Which is meeting new people I guess, as I have made some more friends from it. Won't talk about it, as thats the groups rules. But I really do want to say for those readers in similar situations to my own (for which I am sorry that you too are having to go through something that no person should have ever had to do) is that I really do find that group therapy does help. I know that most weeks I go with intentions of wanting to talk about something that I realize is something that I really shouldn't be talking about at all at group but something that I should be sitting down with a mental health professional and discussing, but every time I do go, I bring something back from it. And while it wasn't what I had wanted, it was something that I needed. So for those of you who have not gone to your local group therapy, or for those that have stopped going for what ever reason. Perhaps its time to think about going, or going to again. If only perhaps to reaffirm that you are not going through this alone.
And so, with that. I wrap up another exciting entry of my blog. I would like to say to all my readers out there that are still single and unhappy about it, that there is someone out there for you. They are looking for you just as hard as you are looking for them. Keep your chin up and your heart open. Don't be shy, because it can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. So if there is someone in your life that you like but can't find the courage to do something about for any of the million reasons that we have for not saying so, Just be true to your heart, trust in yourself, and good things will happen when we are being true to ourselves. Who knows where it will take you.
With all the love a heart with so many cracks in it can muster, I wish you all a good day.
Charlotte
- Mood:
Delighted - Listening to: Reel Big Fish with Zolf the Rock& Roll Destroy
- Reading: My own blog!
- Watching: Johna Hex, AWFUL!
- Playing: Guitar
- Eating: food?
- Drinking: coffee, I don't work tomorrow!
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