Coping

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I'm not coping with this these days. Sort of dawned on my tonight. I'm just going through the motions right now. I keep telling myself that the only thing that is going to help is time. Time, time and more time. I know that I have problems with waiting for things. I have that instant gratification problem. But when you have gone through life with the mentality that any day could be my last and for reasons I have would have no control over, planning for anything in the future was so hard, that I just stopped doing it. Growing up, after having figured out what I was, I tried my best to not let myself dream of what life could, SHOULD have been like. Only in my dreams was I ever me, I tried my best everyday to be a boy. But now that I have come out, and am living life as I should, I feel I don't know myself at times. I again don't know how to react and respond to everyday situations. When I feel I am in control of a situation, I feel at ease with being myself, but when I'm not, I pull back into my shell and go back to being a boy. Its not that I have ever felt like him, but as him I knew how to protect myself. But that is something that I relate to being a woman, is a amount of vulnerability, if that makes any sense.

But there are times through this, that I have scared myself with what I have found inside myself, about who I am. There is a lot I have found that I love about myself, but there are some things that chill me to the bone. And i don't know how to deal with those aspects of myself.

I know that I'm depressed right now. The things that I do to help keep my mind off things, which I pass off as coping mechanisms, I can't do right now, due to my broken hand. I miss my guitar, and I miss my constant mussing of insain rambling thoughts. I've had some close friends really comment about how... strangely I do things. I have my own way. But its not very comforting to know that everyone else just see's me as bat shit crazy some days. And these are the few people who I would say know me at all. Really makes me fear having to actually talk to someone about it in a clinical setting. I've been scared for half my life that the second I opened up about myself I would be soon be committed. And while that fear has been slightly aliveated, or at least for the moment, I do still wonder and fear if with everything else that I have gone through in life hasn't... affected me, in ways that can't be healed. And the more I learn about myself, the more that fear grows. But I can't keep avoiding this. I have to get some help, from the people I fear more then anything else. And I am going to pay them stupid amounts of money to do it. I have tried to have a transition with as little as possible help from a shrink, and have thus far been successful, but... how much longer am I really going to last if the only voice I have to share with is my own? I go a little bit more crazy everyday, and I'm scared to admit it. That those closest to me have noticed how much odder I have gotten over the last 6 months... wow 6 months, sorry that just hadn't set in yet... is more then a little bit of concern to me. I don't know what it is. Perhaps its the feeling of getting to drop my guard and just be me, or perhaps the first stages of discovering the personality that I've forced to lay dormant for so many years, one which has been coming out more and more in the last couple years. What ever it is, It makes me want to run and hide again. And I don't mean I want to go back to being a boy, I just mean that I want to go somewhere far away, where people don't know me, and no one will judge me on what I use to be, who I use to say I was.

All I know right now, I need some sleep, to take my pills, play my guitar, and phone a shrink in the morning and get an appointment. Because right now, I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself.

• Mood: Miserable
• Listening to: Deadmau5
• Reading: Loclif's Blog
• Watching: Kimber's Vblog
• Eating: Dumplings
• Drinking: Root Beer