Lost

I know I haven't met her yet. and maybe thats the problem. See, i'm this deep, sweet, romantic girl at heart. Its all I've ever wanted, and most of the reason why I decided to transition. I need someone in my life to share it with, I do. And i'm not ever going to say anything different about it. I truly feel lost because I'm alone in this world, and it makes me downright miserable. But transitioning has had this particular effect on my life. And its something that I think about often.

I came out and started transition for several reasons, but the major one was that in every relationship in my life, I have felt that my partner was right, but I wasn't. And it was seriously affecting every aspect of my life, not just the relationship, in very negative ways. I knew that If I was ever going to be able to be happy with my relationship, something had to change, and it wasn't one of those little changes that can help a relationship out like doing the dishes more, it was one that had to happen on a fundamental level. I had to change the what I am, not so much the who, but the what. The problem with this is that now that I have gone through everything I have, with regards mostly to how people react to me on a daily basis, even with my level of passibility, I find it impossible to imagine a world in which people really are open minded about such matters. I know how hard it was, and how much I have had to deal with first hand from coming out as transgendered. But, how could i ever ask someone to have to come out to everyone that they know and say 'I'm dating someone who is transgendered'? For the life of me, I just can't find it in myself to see it. Which has made the last 2 months of my life so very much harder to keep going. Its like some kind of genetic imperative that has been imprinted on my, (just like my gender was!) that tells me I have to find someone. I can fight it all I want, but in the end, absolutely nothing positive will come out of it, and a lot of harm will!

But what realistically were my choices? Be hopeless in love, or be hopelessly looking for love...forever *sigh* And its in these long moments of thought that really make me want to just end it all, hope that the next time I get set free on the world a couple things get corrected. I've delt with having enough stuff be wrong with me all my life, but being alone is not something that I can accept. Yes, I have friends that love me very much, and a family that has been amazing. But... its not enough, and it never has been. I want to share my life with someone, and have them share theirs with me. And together start a new one. Someone who will sit back and laugh at the rest of the world as it fly's past. Someone to hold me and tell me i'm pretty and perfect. Someone who's first thought is about me everyday and there last thought every night. Because I know that mine is.

• Mood: Isolated
• Listening to: Enjoy The Silence
• Reading: Loclif's Blog
• Eating: Boston Pizza Pasta.
• Drinking: Root Beer