Clarity

So, after my post last week about coping, and my lack there of. I wanted to clear something up that is really important. At the end of it, i was speaking of the fact that I wanted to hurt myself. And while yes there are times when I feel taking my life would clear up so much of this, or everything really, as after its done we really have little concern. But I wanted to make it really clear, I will not be taking my life. And I kind of what to explore why. You see, when I tried killing myself on April 23 of this year, several things happened. One, I decided that I had to come out as being trans, and to do something about it. I had fought it for a really long time, and everyday was getting harder to be this boy that I wasn't. Things were at a point in my life, where if they didn't change then, they would forever be getting worse. So as I sat there with my glass of milk, I heavily considered this. So after much soul searching, and finding something in myself that was worth keeping alive, I made a decision. And here I sit today. But during all that, a mental state of mind was reached. Daniel (this girls boy name) effectively died that day. I have not been him since that day. His life did end in a suicide attempt. But from it someone new was born. Charlotte, and she made a decision too. She was going to do what ever it took to make this a reality. She would put up with society and their very negative views of her, she would become a member of that society, she would make a difference everyday to someone, that she would one day be happier, and that she was the shining light that inhabited the insides of this body. I may feel down, and I may think about hurting myself to take some of the pain away. And I have thought about killing myself. But it's these things that I think back on and know that I can do what I have to do. People don't get a second chance often in life to start over, but I did. I had to fight to get it, but I'm not going to start handing it away.

So now that is cleared up, some I hope anyways. On words and up words! I had a very... different long weekend. See, Up here in Canada, we do that whole thanksgiving thing in October, Strange to you south of the border I know. So I had 4 days off from Friday all the way to Monday. Lots of time to get out and do things right? LOL. If only. I said last week before the weekend that I needed to start taking the advise i give out to heart, and to start doing more things out of the house, meet some new people, and start living life. So, that is what I had planned on doing. At one point I had kind of planned on getting out to the bar or club every day off. Sounds absolutely stupid I know. It is, a person doesn't need to drink that much, and I'm not much of a drinker anyways. Wasn't why I was going. I wanted to get out and socialize with like minded people, so, the club. Because its one of a few places in my city where I don't feel like I stand out to everyone. I do sometimes forget that I can actually pass these days with some success, I guess I am so hyper-critical of my own looks that I rarely see the woman looking back at me in the mirror which I hope one day will change. Any ways, back to the point and the story. So, never once got out to a drinking establishment. Friday, two of my closest friends and I were going to be getting together. There was a lot of confusion with what our plans were, but two of us were thinking pub, and the other? Thinking dinner at her house. Which is what we ended up doing. Got home at about 2am in a cab after having taken one there to begin with. The idea of 2 buses and a train to get to her house after having missed my first bus was more then I could take. We had a great time hanging out and playing with cats and doing stuff of the green nature. Was introduced to Vampire Diaries (pretty neat show now that I know what everyone is talking about) and that was the night. So on to Saturday. I had totally planned on going to the club that night. Even if I had to go alone. Considering that last time I was at the club I ended up spending only about 1/4 of the night with my friends and the rest talking to new people and only getting onto the dance floor for about 10 mins max. I figured I might actually be just fine by myself. Didn't happen. So my brother phones me at noon asking if it would be alright for him to drop off some money that he owe's me for our rent. Thinking that he had thinks to do (like pack so that he can move into the house he is not already paying for) I thought he'd be gone pretty quick and that I could get to bed again. He kind of left sometime late in the afternoon on Sunday after having spent the day, the night, and then the day again at my house. Should have just left him there while I left to have some girl fun. But just couldn't bear to do it to him. So, we played way too much video games and smoked a lot and slept some and watched some movies. It really was all quite fun, but it did leave me with the feeling that I had missed doing something that I had really wanted to do a lot. At some point on Saturday, my parents were trying to get a hold of me. Now, I'm not much for my Family, and they would agree without hesitation, hell, I did ruin Christmas last year by not showing up for it. In my defense I had broken 2 ribs on the 24th at a friends house, my phone had died, and I really couldn't move around much without doubling over in pain, but somehow that got lost in the fact that the parents did have the police out looking for me. Oh, and work was worried sick too. As I had totally missed working on the 24th. Right, Parents. Yeah, not much for my family. So I wan't exactly enthusiastic about spending thanksgiving dinner with them. Kind of wanted to go to ~LostTogethers for dinner instead, as they are my second family, and I like them more. So when I did talk to my mother very briefly on Saturday, I had said that I would see them on Sunday. Biting the bullet, I decided that even thought It sure wasn't what I wanted to do. Things like this are probably more important to other people then they are to me, and that I should be there. My mothers response was that they were going out of town to see our relatives, some of which don't know about me yet. So Its not like I was really invited to that. So, Got out of that one free and clear, and had a fantastic night with my other family. We had a Way-word children thanksgiving, as I wasn't the only one without there family for the holiday. So it was really great. Good food, good friends, and good times. Can't really ask for more now can we? Which brings us to Monday, and another day of not getting to the places I wanted. So, instead of dinner on Sunday with the rents, we had lunch on Monday instead. I however, work nights, I am up at night, I do things at night, I am a night person, though at time against my will. So the concept of lunch actually happening at noon, seems to be a foreign concept to me. As when my mother phones me at 11:30 and wondering where I am, she's none to thrilled about the fact that I was still in bed. But, it all worked out alright. Didn't have to be there that long, had some waffles and bacon! And got to talk some more of those kinds of talks that you never actually want to have with a rent. So, ups and downs on that one. But my mother asked me about my plans for the night, as they were thinking of dropping some stuff off for me later in the evening. I said that I was going to be heading out for the night and wouldn't be home, thinking to myself that I was totally going to go home, get all dressy and good looking, and head to the club on a cold Monday night. So when I got home. I decided that I needed to smoke a bowl to help the pain that was residing in most of my body (nothing new, its half of why I smoke, aka: Medicinally used Mary-jane). Well, as I always just about do, I also brought out my guitar, which has been sitting lonely and uncared for in the corner for a couple weeks now as my hand has been broken. And I really love playing the guitar, if that somehow hasn't been made super clear by this point. After having been in the yard for like 10 mins. I get this crazy notion in my head that I haven't used my amp in way to long. As I just play my electric unamped most the time. So the next thing I know. I am sitting outside in the cold (yes we are having a great October, but it is still cold!) with my amp and guitar with my headphones (as Im sure that the neighbors really don't want to hear someone practicing through out the whole neighborhood (fun though that is ) with my smokes and my greenery. Sat for about 4 hours just doing what I do before I decided that I had to head in as my fingers were getting to cold to do what they needed to any more. And then I went inside and watched some tv on dvd (as I never watch it live ever) (and my next point will be about exactly what and why I was watching, but i'm getting to that). Got to sleep somewhere around 5am, and had to be up before noon for the cable guy to come and hook up internet in my house on Tuesday (which is today) and then I got to work a 12 hour shift (which I am doing right now). So, busy long weekend of doing pretty much nothing of what I had planned on doing. There goes me taking my own advise and meeting new people. Will have to make sure I get out and do that next week.

So, back to the watching of T.V. and they why and what for of it all. So... I have a problem with Doctors in general, and hospitals in particular. People go there to die. Peoples lives are changed forever in hospitals, and its rarely in a good way. They scare me, a lot! But, the problem with this, is that at some point in the hopefully near future, I will be spending some time in a couple what with Gender reassignment, and facial surgery, and breast implants, and... well, the list doesn't go on much more, but I don't want to let those cats out of the bag yet. So, going to be seeing the insides of more hospitals then I want to at some point. So... what do I do about it? Do I go get some counselling? Do I go stand inside the lobby for a while and slowly work my way farther in? Do I do something else inane and weird? Oh hell no! Instead, I'm going to sit and inundate myself with medical drama. See, I am really kind of weird (IMO) in that I love medicine. Think I would like to be a nurse one day. But this totally goes against my inner phobias of medical establishments. Pretty bad huh? So, I do love watching medical dramas, and if I could ever meet who ever Dr. House is based on, I might actually be cured (lord is there a lot wrong with me, even House would have a field day with me), but at the same time, they reinforce my phobias. So, I better just drown myself in shows that take place in hospitals. So I just watched about 16 hours of ER in the last 24 hours. Yeah, diving head first into this physiological experiment of self-help. I can't say that I have done anything on the idea of liking hospitals any more then I had before, but I will say that I have fallen back in love with Noah Wyle. Cuz, you know, thats healthy...

So. All in all. I feel I have had a positive 4 days off, despite not getting my house cleaned at all, any of my laundry done, or even having slept in my own bed at all. All of which I do really need to get done, and now will be having to lose what little sleep I get this week to do. Yeah, that sounds fun considering I work 12 hour shifts at night, and actually count the mins that I sleep.

So with that readers, I will bid you ado as I have taken up far more of your time then you really ever needed to spend reading the writings of this tired addled mind.

And Because it did just pass us. Happy National Coming Out Day. If you haven't come out yet, just remember, Closets are for clothes..... and sleeping in when I am suffering from a migraine

• Mood: Pride
• Listening to: Anti-Flag
• Reading: Show Notes
• Watching: Security Camera's
• Playing: Pokemon
• Eating: Pasta
• Drinking: Stupid amounts of water Still