Freedom

Yes, I know that I JUST posted up a new entry. But this just came back to me, and its what I have been wanting to get out for a couple days now. So. Sit, Read, Don't complain that I write too much. Because... Well... its what I do.



This isn't freedom! People love to say we live in this great country with all the freedoms we could want, but we don't all now do we? And there are people trying to take some of those away as hard as they can. I live in fear every second of everyday, even in my own home. Fear of physical violence being done upon my body, fear of emotional scaring being done to my mind, and fear of the emotional harm being done to my soul. And I scared that I will feel this for the rest of my life. I know that I will be Transgendered for the rest of my life. Nothing I can do, say, or feel will ever change that. And I am ok with that. But, people view us differently. I have been struggling with some of the personal relationships that I have in life of late. And among people who have known me for a really long time, I know deep down that they are never going to see me as Charlotte, some have as much as said so, and others are trying there best to hide it. But, I can tell, and it cuts deep into my soul. But there is nothing I can do about it. And there never will be. What do I do about it? Do I cut these people out of my life because they wish all the time that I would go back to being a boy? Do I put up with it and just hope that some day something will change? I now live in a world where building the human connection with people has become exceedingly hard. I use to be able to talk to ANYONE. Seriously, there had to be something seriously wrong with you for me to not be able to talk about something. I was the social butterfly's of social butterfly's. Now, I have to be on guard all the time for signs of how people are looking at me and responding to me. Have they pegged me as transgendered? What did they just feel when they did? Is this the day that we all fear where I will be beaten and raped within an inch of my life? Or was that look they just gave me the one I have been looking my whole life for? Interest.

After coming out all those months ago. I had the chance to talk with lots of people just out on the street, waiting at bus stops, riding the train, about the who and what I am. I was a walking pamphlet on transgenders. Now? People avoid looking at me after the first glance. And the ones who don't? they scare me even more. The few people I have found to have an interest in people like me, most have been so creepy you would never have stopped to talk to them even if you were related to them. Sends chills down my spine. There are so few places in my life where I even feel a little bit safe. My home, where I work, support group, and the club. If I'm not in one of these places, I'm probably terrified. And even in these places, I do feel scared.

And I think that my fears of something happening have gotten steadily worse every step I take to being more passable. I remember the looks men gave me when I first started going out dressed as me. They were the looks of people who were offended by my presence there, but that was mostly all. Now? I feel them looking at me from afar, which is fine, I think. I think and hope that I'm passable at a distance, but they get up close and get a good look at me, and the reaction is one that I truly fear will be a violent one at times. Transgenderism has been so badly stigmatized in our society that for a straight man to even think for a second that someone who may have been a boy once to have made him even look twice, the proverbial trap that we are, is such an affront to him, that the look of hatred is so unmasked and unveiled. I've started to get use to it to the point now where I have finally started going out in public without my sunglasses on, which if you know me, never happens. Now I hardly even look at people. I go about my day in ignorance of the people around me. Something I have never done, and highly dislike doing. I have always been a people watcher, and now I have to make time to go out and watch people? So strange! Don't think I'll ever get use to just ignoring everyone. Sure do hope doing so doesn't get me into some trouble that I could have avoided by just being scared of everyone around me. But that brings me back to my main point. Its not freedom if I am having to live scared because something, sometimes, somewhere might in theory happen to me. My family is so afraid for me, and now I just shrug it off. I think of this as a positive, but could it be a negative? I guess there is both sides to everything, and usually I can see most of them, but on this one? Not a clue. I'm just doing what I feel I have to do to get through all of this. I almost look at this as a social breakdown on my part. Losing something that was so ingrained that it truly was a part of my personality, and one of the few that I wouldn't have given up for anything. That it is leaving me, that I am losing my social grace and tact, that I am not using my heightened social skills in any facet of my life (I work nights, theres no one here, God I miss retail)is really depressing. I knew when I decided to transition that there were parts about myself that I would have to get rid of. For example, being a people pleaser, and caring so much about what other people think of me. Which is kind of strange for a couple reasons, the first being the fact that I am a rebellious punk at heart. I'm not suppose to care what others think of me. It goes with the mentality. But I do, or I did. As this is something that I have gotten rid of, it was the first. I wouldn't have been able to tell anyone or ever put on clothes for other people If I hadn't. And I feel better for it. Now I can start living my life by my rules. Yeah, there are some that I still have to stick to, some far to close for my liking, but living as a trans-gendered woman has some rules too that we have to follow. So I am going to try my best. But just because the rest of the female population somewhere along the line lost what it meant to be feminine (how we hold our bodies and arms and hands, our walk and posture, the small mannerism ect.) doesn't mean that you can tell me I'm not allowed to do these things. Perhaps someone needs to set a trend again. I think it would be a nice change for society if we all kind of went back to being polite and courteous and proper wouldn't you? I sure would like to model myself after some of those some days. Not all the time, but what if its what actually feel natural for me? Take for instance my walk, I have gotten a lot of praise on it. People love it, its not that it stands out a lot from others, I just walk like a woman with confidence (even if that confidence is only skin deep it really shows and can make it or break it on getting pegged) who could have done some modeling. Instead, my mother harps on me all the time. Go back to how you use to walk she said, Granted, the also said that I should act and hold myself exactly how I did as a boy too. Dealing with this at all Mother? I think Not! Or the other big one, how I hold my hands and arms sometimes. Ok, yeah, kind of really girl-y, but its natural. Yeah, I can think about how I stand and act and present myself every second of every day, I could, but I sure don't want to. I do enough of that already now. Like I wasn't overly conscious of myself. But some of my habits that I know to be girl-y, Yeah, I am going to let some of those just slide in from time to time. Hell, I've been trying my hardest forever to hide just those things. It's no wonder my Parents didn't believe me when I came out. Can't explain it though, my Mother was doing kind of well with the handling of all this before, but lately she's back to doubting me. Even more so since I actually got diagnosed. Like the expert in the field doesn't have a clue what he was talking about or something. And on the note of my hands, yes, I crook my hands at the wrist from time to time in a very girly manner. How did such a habit form? I totally know this one. From years as a smoker living in places with wind and cold where we wear long jackets that will blow around in the wind. How many times have a burnt a hole in a coat because of the wind getting all caught up around my smoke? too many to count, but the hand crook does the trick of it NOT happening. So it translated over into another area of my life. So what, people need to learn to deal with the small shit that is as much a display of who a person is as much as there hair or eyes. its not like I'm walking around always scratching myself in areas that shouldn't be touched in public, or with my gut hanging out like I just don't care (granted I don't have a gut at all but still). I think I just need people to stop telling how to act. I'll figure that out on my own. Trust me, it is important to me, just not what your opinion of it is. As once again, thats not living free. Thats what a good part of accepting myself was about. The opportunity to get to explore myself. I didn't grow up as a man, I started as a boy, I had to learn how to do man things. Well, the same will hold true for being a woman now. I was not born as a mature woman, I am starting back at the beginning, just with the added wisdom of 27 years. Doesn't mean I have all the in's and out's figured out yet. I will make mistakes, I will pay for them (hopefully not with my life, but if I do, it was because I was being me and that is something I won't change ever again!) and I will continue to move forward in life.


So I keep bringing up my Mother, and eluding to a conversation that no one will know about. So the other day my Mother asked my if I was just going to be a woman, or if I was going to be a drag queen. Like there was no middle ground at all in there. First off, I do NOT see myself as a drag queen. That is a whole different can of worms, and I'm pretty sure they would say the same thing. But my mother sees being girly as being a drag queen I think. I think that she forgets that though I have know for almost as long as I can remember that I knew I was a girl. Actually being a girl is something that is so frighteningly new for me, and that this is just the beginning of my story.



Alright, as always, I have no idea if that went anywhere or if it was even understandable to anyone other then myself. My Rants have a habit of doing that when I'm writing them. Oh to have a camera crew following me and recording everything I do. That would be so cool. Or at least handy, as I know after a while I would have to threaten Squirrelly-Wrath on them. Oh the hours of footage of me hurting myself. Yup, I'm sure you would all enjoy those. Hell, what little there has been documented even made me shoot root beer out my nose on a couple occasions.


"And I don't want to come back down from this cloud, taken me all this time to find out what I need, yeah" -Bush X

• Mood: Pride
• Listening to: Bush X
• Reading: Show Notes
• Watching: Security Camera's
• Playing: Pokemon
• Eating: Pasta
• Drinking: Stupid amounts of water Still