So there I was, getting on the City-train, going to my company's offices for a meeting. I get on the train car, the doors close, I start looking around at the faces of the people on the train car with me, as I have not been lucky enough to get a seat, I have to stand at the very front of the car, so many people just looking in my direction, its scary, I don't mind being looked at, but, now we are talking about giving people enough time to really study what and who they are looking at. These are the moments that kind of scare me a little. The Train arrives at the next stop, the doors open, and people file in and out. At the next set of doors down, a young man enters and rest himself against the door jam to the train car. We are mostly hidden from view from each other, but I know that it is a face that I recognize very well, for not to many years ago, we lived together. We have seen each other a couple of times since I moved out of the house with 4 of my friends, but had not really stayed in touch at all. But when we had been living together, I would like to think that we had gotten to be pretty close friends. The thoughts of what would happen if he looked over and recognized me from across the train car ran through my head, everything from it going horribly wrong to startling awesome and everything in between. I hate this feeling, every single possibility has a potential of playing itself out, ok, except that one with the guy in the banana suit and the trumpet dancing by in the middle of it.
Four stops we rode together before my stop arrived and I departed the train. Happy that nothing had once again come of the situation. I start to walk towards the train station to my destination, only to realize that he is walking only a couple people in front of me, and knowing how fast I walk I will quickly catch up to him easily. Again, and so soon this had to happen? Didn't even have time for a smoke between situations where anything can happen, perhaps this isn't going to be my day again, like it hasn't been for the last 6 straight. We walk in close proximity to each other for quite a ways after having exited the station, far enough I worried we might be going to the same place, but luckily he turns off eventually. The entire time he is having a smoke, making my very empty pack seem very bleak, I want nothing more at this point to go over and say hi, or at least bum a smoke from him. Happy I was when I no longer had to think about the temptation of a smoke, as I am trying my best to quit the habit.
I get to the office and have my meeting, events transpire and back drops get changed and everyone does a wardrobe change, I leave the office and head back to the train station. I had just missed the train car, as I was not going to run for the train, my shoulder is still a little twingy, and I would hate to slip on the ice. So I am standing on the platform waiting, realizing that my transfer is only good for another 8 mins before I need to pay again. Wishing nothing more for the train to hurry and come, I look down the platform and again see a figure approaching that seemed to now just be following me. We stood not to far from each other, I was not going to shy away from a situation, this was not something that I would let control my life, where I would run from anyone who might know Daniel, and not know Charlotte. The train comes and we both get on, the same car again. I take a seat that I am accustomed to on the train car, call it habit, but I like that one. I look up and sitting two seats away he looks at me. We both start to look out the windows of the car. It took two stops for an old man to come and sit and block the line of sight that we had. Four more stops to go, well, I had survived it all so far, I was sure I could make it that far.
Finally, I see the coffee shop Madi had lunch at that day, and the gem shop I love to go look in. I get up from my seat and move to the door to depart. I feel him come and stand next to me by the door. Again, he is getting off at the same place I am, what could his agenda possibly be this day? The train platform appears outside the car doors and we disembark. I realize all too soon that we both turn left to leave the platform. Well, 50% chance of that happening, have to roll with that one. We walk off the platform and stand, next to each other, at the street light waiting for the light to turn green. He pulls out his nearly full pack of smokes from his inner coat pocket as I look over, again with this temptation.
By this point I have taken all I can of waiting on the precipice of an event that keeps refusing to happen. Combined with the chaos of not know. I broke down. I turned to him and put on my best Charlotte voice that I could. Time to finally find out what has been bothering me for the last month.
'Hey, do you think I could buy a smoke or two off of you?' I asked, pulling my hair from my left eye and pinning it behind my ear, batting my eyes just a little.
'Yeah, have one, don't worry about it' He looked me right in the eyes as he talked to me. I knew I wouldn't have had to pay, he was like myself, we were of the pay it forward way of thinking. Because what smoker hasn't had one when they really needed one and had to ask another smoker.
He dug one out of the pack and handed it to me. I put it to my lips and turned slightly to the side, allowing my palm to shield some of my jaw line that I hate so much, and ask
'Got a light?' as I threw a hint of want into it.
'Of Course' he flashes me a wide smile of perfect white teeth. Damn!
He reaches over and I lean in and light my smoke with a couple puffs to get it lit. He pockets his lighter and I say thanks, with a slight raise of the shoulders and tilting my head to the left and putting on a happy smile. The light turns green and we cross the street, at the other side he turns and walks away. I stand and take a moment to take in everything that just happened. Not only did I just pass as a woman, and a playful one at that, but I also passed with someone who knew me well in my previous life.
I stood and basked in the ray of sunlight that shown on me. Proud I was with how far I had come with my transition, as when I started on this journey, I felt that a moment like this would probably never happen, that I would never really pass, even after work being done. And here I stood, not 9 months into my transition, not a single thing changed to my face, or even the addition of estrogen into my HRT regiment yet. Already surpassing my wildest dreams. What a day, I thought to myself, figuring that this was only the first of a lifetimes worth, it had to be, right? I guess I'll get to see just how things are with the family in a little over the week, which will be the first time for them seeing me since starting my transition. Oh I hope I don't kill Grandma.
- Mood:
Artistic - Listening to: Entire MP3 Collection on Random
- Watching: Pokemon - Jirachi wishmaker (movie 6)
- Eating: Cinnamon Rice Crisps, There like my chocolate
- Drinking: Water
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