There is little worse then spending 3 hours getting myself all prettied up, to not have a single thing to do or place to go. I only have $4 to my name so its not like I even can go anywhere.
But, in other news, yesterday was a very exciting day for me. I had my first appointment with the Endocrinenoligist. And :drumroll: I got my prescription for Estrogen. I have finally gotten here. And in good time too. Considering that I only came out about being Transgendered in May to anyone, I would say that from just starting to full hormone therapy in only 8 months is doing very well. I am so excited to start this new process, I have butterfly's in my tummy!
Guess its time to go see the Parents again. Wonder how this is all going to go. I know they have come a log way with accepting and dealing with all of my transition and stuff, but the problem is this, I have come a lot farther then they are really ready for, and I don't know about what there going through and coming to terms with, but I know from my side of all of this, its causing me untold amounts of pain. I've always found it really hard to deal with either of my parents, but since coming out to them, its gotten so much worse, which seems so backwards, but thats how it is. We've always fought, some years it seems that is all we have done. So I guess I have just been expecting far too much from this relationship aren't I? Why would I expect that me changing as much as I am, would ever patch some of the holes that my parents and I have between us? Am I just deluding myself into thinking that things with my parents are ever going to be some where I feel comfortable? Or Happy?
There are days I wish that they had just disowned me from the family. As Harsh as that sounds, there are times. It's not that they are bad people, in fact quite the opposite, they have been amazing parents, and are incredible people who have done some epic things. I just, don't fit in there, Never have. My entire family I have felt that way about for as long as I can remember. We have never been particularly close. I really have no tales about family gatherings and the events that transpired. Most of the family holidays I have looked back on now and I find almost nothing happy about them, and the parts that I do find, it was almost always something that happened to just me. I sometimes worry that I have brought all of that upon myself though. I have always isolated myself from my family. I am such a people person, can talk to almost anyone, I have so little to say to my family so often. I have a couple cousins that I would say I am kind of close with, one in particular. But my family has never had that close knit family dynamic that many I know of do. Or perhaps I have been wrapped up in my own world of problems for too long that I have missed seeing it. Perhaps things with the family will get better, and I'm sure that if I do try things can get better, so what is stopping me from it? Myself, and perhaps i need to open up to my family about things more then I do, as I often keep things from them, just things that, they sometimes just don't need to know about. But thats why it took me 15 years to get to where I am, perhaps coming out was the first of many steps in patching things up. Only one way to find out I guess.
Well, instead of sitting around the house tonight, I'm instead going to go to the place where I should be the most maybe. I'm going to go see my family, and wish my Brother a happy birthday!
But, in other news, yesterday was a very exciting day for me. I had my first appointment with the Endocrinenoligist. And :drumroll: I got my prescription for Estrogen. I have finally gotten here. And in good time too. Considering that I only came out about being Transgendered in May to anyone, I would say that from just starting to full hormone therapy in only 8 months is doing very well. I am so excited to start this new process, I have butterfly's in my tummy!
Guess its time to go see the Parents again. Wonder how this is all going to go. I know they have come a log way with accepting and dealing with all of my transition and stuff, but the problem is this, I have come a lot farther then they are really ready for, and I don't know about what there going through and coming to terms with, but I know from my side of all of this, its causing me untold amounts of pain. I've always found it really hard to deal with either of my parents, but since coming out to them, its gotten so much worse, which seems so backwards, but thats how it is. We've always fought, some years it seems that is all we have done. So I guess I have just been expecting far too much from this relationship aren't I? Why would I expect that me changing as much as I am, would ever patch some of the holes that my parents and I have between us? Am I just deluding myself into thinking that things with my parents are ever going to be some where I feel comfortable? Or Happy?
There are days I wish that they had just disowned me from the family. As Harsh as that sounds, there are times. It's not that they are bad people, in fact quite the opposite, they have been amazing parents, and are incredible people who have done some epic things. I just, don't fit in there, Never have. My entire family I have felt that way about for as long as I can remember. We have never been particularly close. I really have no tales about family gatherings and the events that transpired. Most of the family holidays I have looked back on now and I find almost nothing happy about them, and the parts that I do find, it was almost always something that happened to just me. I sometimes worry that I have brought all of that upon myself though. I have always isolated myself from my family. I am such a people person, can talk to almost anyone, I have so little to say to my family so often. I have a couple cousins that I would say I am kind of close with, one in particular. But my family has never had that close knit family dynamic that many I know of do. Or perhaps I have been wrapped up in my own world of problems for too long that I have missed seeing it. Perhaps things with the family will get better, and I'm sure that if I do try things can get better, so what is stopping me from it? Myself, and perhaps i need to open up to my family about things more then I do, as I often keep things from them, just things that, they sometimes just don't need to know about. But thats why it took me 15 years to get to where I am, perhaps coming out was the first of many steps in patching things up. Only one way to find out I guess.
Well, instead of sitting around the house tonight, I'm instead going to go to the place where I should be the most maybe. I'm going to go see my family, and wish my Brother a happy birthday!
- Mood:
Artistic - Listening to: Entire MP3 Collection on Random
- Playing: With Make Up
- Eating: Pasta
- Drinking: Water
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