Falling to pieces? Yes, I guess that is what is happening to me. Everywhere I look, parts and pieces of my life lay in shambles at my feet. Everything I try and touch shatters to dust when I reach for them. I look inside and only find fear and pain and loneliness. I am so isolated, I stand on my own sinking; deserted; sand barren island. In the middle of the arctic, because its freeking cold! No way is safe, they all roads lead to ruin and death. I have no options to possibly see my way out of it. I really need a miracle. And I'm not religious, but if I were, I might actually think there was a way out of this. As I am not, and am very much a realist, I understand that this is completely hopeless, and trying to prolong the inevitable is completely useless. But yet, here I am, still trying to prolong this, because people keep telling me I have to, that to not is wrong.
I don't know where I am with my transition anymore. I can't help but wonder if this all happened now for some reason though, I am out one year on April 23. Like, I am at one year right now. Which is the length of the Real Life Test right? I am wondering if somewhere in my mind I am doubting my ability to live like this for the rest of my life, possibly? I know that I can never go back to being him. I can not, will not, ever, under any circumstances do it. I would rather die a hundred deaths then have to live like that. But... if I don't have the strength to be able to accomplish my goal of this transition... then what can I possibly do?
The strangest thing though, is that its when I am like this, when I am just so down, and, well, for lack of any better way to describe it, but emo, and pretty emo too, is when I find my strength, and feel like I can look the world in the eye again. I don't know, maybe because this is who I really am, because to tell you the truth, growing us as I have, and dealing with some of the things I am dealing with, I never am feeling like I am being myself, I can lie to myself pretty good and tell myself that that is who I am, but I still don't accept it. But this *gesturing to herself*, this is something that I haven't been fighting (I have just stopped caring about myself half the time), this I guess is finding myself in a place of self acceptance of who I am. It was like waking up one morning, and realizing that I have just been being myself for sometime, and it just coming naturally, which for someone who has spent a lifetime trying to be someone else in fear of someone ever knowing the truth can be a really weird epiphany. I wonder if other people ever get that kind of sensation? I can't say that this is exactly who I would perhaps like to be, there are things that I wish I didn't do, things I didn't think or feel. But, I do, and what more can I do about this then to deal with the truth? Something that I have run from for a long time. But maybe I am ready to deal with it. I still have to wonder what the consequences of trying to deal with it all if I am not ready. Kind of scared about where that could push me too.
I am just so tired of always being the one who gives, and getting nothing back from the world. From some close friends I get something, but I am running on empty, I can't keep myself filled up with what I give. But I don't know how not to give. Sometimes I wonder what ever caused me to be like this, wonder if I didn't do all of this to myself
I don't know where I am with my transition anymore. I can't help but wonder if this all happened now for some reason though, I am out one year on April 23. Like, I am at one year right now. Which is the length of the Real Life Test right? I am wondering if somewhere in my mind I am doubting my ability to live like this for the rest of my life, possibly? I know that I can never go back to being him. I can not, will not, ever, under any circumstances do it. I would rather die a hundred deaths then have to live like that. But... if I don't have the strength to be able to accomplish my goal of this transition... then what can I possibly do?
The strangest thing though, is that its when I am like this, when I am just so down, and, well, for lack of any better way to describe it, but emo, and pretty emo too, is when I find my strength, and feel like I can look the world in the eye again. I don't know, maybe because this is who I really am, because to tell you the truth, growing us as I have, and dealing with some of the things I am dealing with, I never am feeling like I am being myself, I can lie to myself pretty good and tell myself that that is who I am, but I still don't accept it. But this *gesturing to herself*, this is something that I haven't been fighting (I have just stopped caring about myself half the time), this I guess is finding myself in a place of self acceptance of who I am. It was like waking up one morning, and realizing that I have just been being myself for sometime, and it just coming naturally, which for someone who has spent a lifetime trying to be someone else in fear of someone ever knowing the truth can be a really weird epiphany. I wonder if other people ever get that kind of sensation? I can't say that this is exactly who I would perhaps like to be, there are things that I wish I didn't do, things I didn't think or feel. But, I do, and what more can I do about this then to deal with the truth? Something that I have run from for a long time. But maybe I am ready to deal with it. I still have to wonder what the consequences of trying to deal with it all if I am not ready. Kind of scared about where that could push me too.
I am just so tired of always being the one who gives, and getting nothing back from the world. From some close friends I get something, but I am running on empty, I can't keep myself filled up with what I give. But I don't know how not to give. Sometimes I wonder what ever caused me to be like this, wonder if I didn't do all of this to myself
- Mood:
Miserable - Listening to: Pink
- Reading: Henry Rollins: A Dull Roar
- Playing: Not allowed to talk about it
- Eating: Texas Style French Toast and Fruit
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