Well, thats 6 days straight that I've cried myself to sleep. Not afraid to say it, mostly because no one ever reads this stuff anyways right? And well, hell, Im just not afraid to admit to it. Its most days and nights for me of late. Almost a regular occurring event in everyday life. Wow, now thats depressing. I think i really need to be getting more Vit D in my diet. Seeing as I work night shift security, and actively go out of my way most days to avoid sunlight, some Vit D would probably do my mind some good. Yes, since coming out, my depression has really gotten a lot better. But, now that I have been out for months, and have finally started to figure out what I do want from life and figuring out all of that stuff, my depression has gotten a lot worse again. I think its because I realize just how long, how hard, how expensive, and how much work and pain it is all going to cause me. 5 years ago I thought I was going to have a pretty miserable existence filled with lots of pain and suffering. Now i get to ponder a life where I still get all that, only now have invited even more of it into my life. Never could do anything simply could I? And now? I get to look forward to pretty much being broke forever, not being able to support a family, own a car, buy a home. I get to look forward to several HUGH surgeries, with some intense recovery time. Some of which might kill me on the table, and knowing what I do of my own medical history, That really has me worried. I fear that I will have to do it all alone.
Alright, time to go order her some flowers for tuesday. I want her to know just how special she is, and what she has done. <3
- Mood:
Unhappy - Listening to: Hole
- Reading: Blogs
- Watching: hopefully the back of my eyelids soon
- Playing: Guitar
- Eating: Ramen
- Drinking: blood
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