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How do you live with yourself when you finally figure out some more of the bigger picture of who you are? How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other? So, finally decided that I'm probably bi-poler today. I have mood swings from having the greatest day ever to wanting to kill myself a matter of minuets. And it happens all the time. Why do I keep trying, why do I try so damn hard to keep myself alive and preserve what I have. I don't like what I have to begin with. And the only thing keeping me alive most days is that my friends would never forgive me. But then I ask myself, If I'm dead, would I really care if they forgave me? Something inside of me tells me that I really wouldn't care about anything, 'cept worms and necrophiliac's. I read all the heartfelt web blogs, of people in love, and happy, and who care for one another, and they do make me feel something inside, but its not what there wanting to evoke, or what I wanted to find within myself. I find that it makes me even more unhappy, its showing me that which I can't attain.

I can hide my face behind my make up, I can hide my body under my clothes, but can I hide my soul? There is no cover for that.

And at the end of the day, I have nothing to go home to. 'Cept for the thing that hurts me the most. I take my make up and clothes off, I turn back into the boy that I have never felt like and have hated all my life. Then the hardest thing of all, that always brings me to my knees with the emotions that its evokes in my soul. I take off my breasts, and I cry uncontrollably. Thats what I have waiting for me everyday.

I've had everything taken away from me in my life. I haven't been healthy since the day I was born. I had my mind, my gender, and my livelihood taken away a little bit at a time. And it takes more and more every year, something new always gets diagnosed. And I find myself living with even more circumstance that I have to find someway to live with, or just give up. Which is where I find myself right now.

• Mood: Pain
• Listening to: Brand New
• Playing: with someones else's emotions
• Eating: my missery with a side of depression
• Drinking: away all feeling