RIP Daniel

Leave the memories alone

I don't want to see

The way it is, as to how it used to be

Leave the memories alone, don't change a thing

And I'll just hold you here in my memory

...Somehow its just how I feel about him today. I miss him so much, and I know that He can't be here, with me. And No matter what anyone thinks about it all, to me, he was such a part to my world. And I know that I will never forget him, though I might forget his face one day, or the jokes that use to make me laugh, because I will never forget how he made me feel, good and the bad.

I had no where else to say it. No where I felt safe in uttering these words.

Fear

I have never been so scared in my life. I have had many people threaten me in my life. But I have never once thought about a single one of them actually having the power to do something about it, or have that power over me. I have had people shoot at me before, with real loaded guns. I have had people pull knives and tire irons and large chains on me. But today, I sit in a new position. One of complete and utter fright. For the first time, I have no ability to stop what could be coming my way. And worse of it is. He might just actually try it. I have had veiled, but not in any way subtle threats made on my life, from someone who is not entirely stable, who has transportation, weapons of the bladed variety, knows where I live, and most importantly, knows I can't defend myself anymore.

I spent almost all of Saturday lying to everyone about why I wouldn't come out of my bedroom, even those people closest to me. Wasn't so much lying as it was just avoiding this one last truth that perhaps needed to be said. But... For the first time in my life, I thought about going back to being a boy. Because as I am now, I am helpless. And I am scared. I have lost my strength that I once had, and while it was not particularly impressive, I had it long enough to know exactly what to do with it, if the situation ever arose in which I would need it. Today finds me in different circumstances however. Estrogen has stripped me of almost all of my strength, at work I have trouble lifting things over 30lbs, where once I could carry twice my body weight allowing me to carry 220lbs, and not just for short periods of time, but 8 hours if I needed too. I no longer feel that I can defend myself in any way. And this all comes as a very large surprise. My years as a martial artist, something that I loved, and did VERY well at, feels woefully inadequate right now. Where once you would have found my Jo staff at my back door, and my practical sword not far from reach. Today, my sword has been locked away by the people who love me in fear of using it on myself (which is total nonsense! I just want to add, Total!!!). With my already failing medical conditions, now compounded by transition, I feel like I am truly helpless. And the worse of it all is that this is not because of how I in particular dress as a woman, or conduct/portray myself in public or at home. This has to do with something a friend of mine is going through, and how there now ex-partner is handling the situation, and perhaps is holding me responsible for it all.

I am afraid to reach out and ask for help from people who could help me, afraid that I am over reacting and that this will come back and haunt me later if I do do something about it. Afraid to let the people closest to me know, afraid of what they would think of me for saying something, already thinking I know what they would say to me (don't actually have a clue what they would really say, this is all just prophetasizing. A part of distorted thinking, you all get it, don't deny it) if I did told them. All I can do is this. Stay up every night in fear of what my happen, and write about it in my blog. Hoping somewhere, sometime, my words help someone else.

So, if this is to perhaps be my last entry. Know that I have enjoyed sharing my life of the last year with you all, and that tomorrow will come with the dawning of the Sun, giving us a chance to start over if we so chose too. We just have to decided for ourselves where it will take us. So, Keep your heart full, and your mind open. The world is a big place, don't think you know it, you are but one person, and this world is larger then you, or me, or the people around you. Walk into it with your eyes wide and your ears open, you might just miss something important.

Char

Updates For my Peeps

I have been so caught up in life of late, and I have to admit, that I am at least a little happy by it. I have oh so very much going on in my life again. Though when I try and think back to a time in which I didn't, nothing comes to mind. I almost wonder what I would do if suddenly there wasn't any drama in my life, weather it be my own, or that of someone else's. Probably go even more crazy, which is something that I very much am, even have the doctors note to prove it! B)

There is nothing more that I would like to do right now then to let myself include all of you loyal readers of Descriptively Numb in on what has been going on, but my time is short, and there is so much that needs to be said. But take heart, Soon I say, Soon. I need to find me a little bit of time, in which to write. Which for me right now, feels like a very odd thing to say, as I have been writing a heck of a lot of late again. Just not on this.... See, I have been writing this novel. And it is something that I am very happy with. And for someone who suffers with self-esteem issues like I do, and who is hyper-critical of everything that she does, has done, or will ever do, it has been a real big thing for me. So big in fact, that I have even decided that I am going to work at getting it published, but like, a real publishing company! Yup, I am in fact, getting better. I feel that this is a real huge step in my life, and one that is taking me in a very positive direction. So for that, I am thankful.

As well, I feel much more like my old, happier self. It has been a long time since that really was the case, perhaps years even. Which is something that I was really having to come to terms with, as that means that it was going back to a time in my life, in which I was someone else, someone who I was not, and never was. And I have been feeling overly guilty about even thinking that that may have been a 'good' time in my life. But that too, like all things in my life of late, is something I am working on.

So much I wish to share to you, from my new name, to the new people in my life, to my newest adventures, and especially my newest miss-adventures. But alas, the hour grows short, my eyes grow tired, and the yawns has become to feel like they belong to someone else. I think that qualifies as my own body telling me to sleep.

And for that one special girl out there in this world, who I know is asleep right now, or I hope she is anyways, because I know that she needs it even more then I do. I want you to know that my thoughts and wishes are with you always. I have been running for the last two nights straight in my dreams. I have been running to you. With all my love, not just for the sake of saying it as much as I possibly can, but because I really do feel it. Goodnight my Eisai. <3

And for the rest of you, please don't feel left out in the cold and forgotten, For it would be a waste of emotions if that were to happen, I too, wish you a lovely night, and if you are here in my Home town of Calgary. Bundle up, that snow came out of nowhere, but it will be gone again soon. Hope you all didn't have your flower beds put in yet.

Goodnight one and all.

Shattered Strength Of Solitude And Solidarity

Falling to pieces? Yes, I guess that is what is happening to me. Everywhere I look, parts and pieces of my life lay in shambles at my feet. Everything I try and touch shatters to dust when I reach for them. I look inside and only find fear and pain and loneliness. I am so isolated, I stand on my own sinking; deserted; sand barren island. In the middle of the arctic, because its freeking cold! No way is safe, they all roads lead to ruin and death. I have no options to possibly see my way out of it. I really need a miracle. And I'm not religious, but if I were, I might actually think there was a way out of this. As I am not, and am very much a realist, I understand that this is completely hopeless, and trying to prolong the inevitable is completely useless. But yet, here I am, still trying to prolong this, because people keep telling me I have to, that to not is wrong.

I don't know where I am with my transition anymore. I can't help but wonder if this all happened now for some reason though, I am out one year on April 23. Like, I am at one year right now. Which is the length of the Real Life Test right? I am wondering if somewhere in my mind I am doubting my ability to live like this for the rest of my life, possibly? I know that I can never go back to being him. I can not, will not, ever, under any circumstances do it. I would rather die a hundred deaths then have to live like that. But... if I don't have the strength to be able to accomplish my goal of this transition... then what can I possibly do?

The strangest thing though, is that its when I am like this, when I am just so down, and, well, for lack of any better way to describe it, but emo, and pretty emo too, is when I find my strength, and feel like I can look the world in the eye again. I don't know, maybe because this is who I really am, because to tell you the truth, growing us as I have, and dealing with some of the things I am dealing with, I never am feeling like I am being myself, I can lie to myself pretty good and tell myself that that is who I am, but I still don't accept it. But this *gesturing to herself*, this is something that I haven't been fighting (I have just stopped caring about myself half the time), this I guess is finding myself in a place of self acceptance of who I am. It was like waking up one morning, and realizing that I have just been being myself for sometime, and it just coming naturally, which for someone who has spent a lifetime trying to be someone else in fear of someone ever knowing the truth can be a really weird epiphany. I wonder if other people ever get that kind of sensation? I can't say that this is exactly who I would perhaps like to be, there are things that I wish I didn't do, things I didn't think or feel. But, I do, and what more can I do about this then to deal with the truth? Something that I have run from for a long time. But maybe I am ready to deal with it. I still have to wonder what the consequences of trying to deal with it all if I am not ready. Kind of scared about where that could push me too.


I am just so tired of always being the one who gives, and getting nothing back from the world. From some close friends I get something, but I am running on empty, I can't keep myself filled up with what I give. But I don't know how not to give. Sometimes I wonder what ever caused me to be like this, wonder if I didn't do all of this to myself

• Mood: Miserable
• Listening to: Pink
• Reading: Henry Rollins: A Dull Roar
• Playing: Not allowed to talk about it
• Eating: Texas Style French Toast and Fruit

Alright, I am re-bloging this from somewhere else. Problem is, I have been seeing it pop up in so many different places that I find myself, that I don't know who to Credit it to anymore. So alas, if you know who I should be thanking, please let me know. With that said, again, NOT MY WORK, but it is sure something that I believe you should all get a chance to read it.

Cis-Gendered checklist

1. It is unlikely that I will be ostracized by my family and friends, fired from my job, evicted from my home, given substandard medical care, suffer violent or sexual abuse, ridiculed by the media, or preached against by religious organizations simply because of my professed identity or perceived incongruent gendered behaviors or characteristics.

2. I can be confident that people will not call me by a different name or use improper pronouns.

3. I never suffered the indignation of “holding it”, when both functional and unoccupied public restrooms are available. In fact, I don’t need to be concerned about public facilities segregated by sex.

4. If I am institutionalized, I don’t have to worry about being housed in the wrong section of a facility segregated by sex.

5. I am not denied entrance to appropriate services or events that are segregated by sex.

6. My childhood innocence was not interrupted with desperate prayers to a divinity begging to wake up the opposite sex.

7. I never grieve about my lost childhood and adolescence because I was born the opposite sex.

8. I will only experience puberty once.

9. I never worry about potential lovers shifting instantly from amorous to disdain and even violence because of my genitals.

10. I am unlikely to be questioned about my genitals, even less likely to be touched inappropriately or asked to see them.

11. It is unlikely that I would risk my health by avoiding the medical profession for fear of discovery.

12. I never considered hiding my body parts by binding or tucking.

13. It is unlikely that I would consider changing my voice.

14. If I have a professionally recognized and diagnosed condition, I am unlikely to be excluded from medical insurance coverage.

15. As a man, I am more likely to look my age, and have a body similar in size and shape to other men.

16. As a man, I am more likely to be satisfied with the functionality of my genitals.

17. As a man, I am more likely able to father children .

18. As a woman, I am more likely to have a body similar in size and shape to other women.

19. As a woman, I am unlikely to lose my hair before middle age.

20. As a woman, I am more likely able to conceive and bear children.

21. As a woman, I don’t have to dilate the rest of my life.

22. I am more likely able to achieving orgasm.

23. I will likely have $50,000 or more to spend or save for retirement.

24. I can’t imagine spending months and $1000s of dollars on a therapist so they can tell me something I already knew.

25. If I am physically healthy, I don’t think about having a hysterectomy, a mastectomy, massive hair removal, contra hormone therapy, vocal surgery, facial reassignment surgery, or genital reassignment surgery.

26. I have a better chance of reaching old age without taking my own life.

27. At my funeral, it is unlikely that my family would present me crossdressed against my living wishes.

28. I never worry about passing gender wise. I am oblivious to the consequences of someone failing to do so, and consequently loosing my cisgender (non transgender) privilege. In fact, I have the privilege of being completely unaware of my own cisgender privilege.

Never knew what all some take for granted huh? And it really is like that. They may not all be things that I have to worry about on a daily basis, but they all crop up at some point or another, and some of them all the time.

Confidence

So I meet half of my Family on Sunday. I'm scared and stressed about it all. And I know that everyone keeps telling me its going to be just fine, and it probably will, but this is kind of one of those things that you do stress about anyways.

And its really getting to me. I haven't left my house in a couple days for the most part. I feel captive in these walls again. I hate it when it gets this bad, so I have to do something about it. And as much as I want to phone up any of my friends and say I need some time out of the house around people, I think maybe this is something I should do myself. I can't always turn to my friends to help me get through my problems. And I know that I don't do it much anyways, I do deal with a lot of my own problems in my own, very Charlotte, way.

Its Friday afternoon, and the only place I can think of to go and just be around people is the mall. Which has me in knots right now too. See, I have spend my last like, 6 Non-Denominational Capitalist, Wintertime Gift-giving Seasons in malls. I don't really like Christmas, it doesn't have much for happy memories attached to it, but everyone always makes it out to be like the best thing on earth. I guess I just don't get it, and that's probably my loss. So, the thought of going to a mall right now has me at odds with myself. I love malls, I do, first to admit it. Just not at Christmas, every foot of it is throwing Christmas in your face, and its all just there to make you spend even more money that most of us don't really have, and is a temporary escape from our woes at best. They say money can't buy happiness. And there is few things more true then this, but money can sure go a long way in helping a person attain happiness. I just find that most people forget that one doesn't equal the other, and when they have it, they really lose the concept somewhere. It saddens me. And that's what malls do to me this time of year. So I'm a little at a loss of if I should go or not. I'm already kind of down, how much worse could I really make it?

Then there is that other problem of I love to shop, but right now I have no money, so why am I going to go somewhere were really one of the few things there is to do, IS SPEND MONEY? Sigh, I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just phone someone up and go to a movie or something. I need out of the house one way or another, I really don't have much choice, its something I need to do, I need to get some of my confidence back, like, right now.

• Mood: Artistic
• Listening to: Dropkick Murphys
• Drinking: Tea

Passing

So, I took a bit of a risk today and did something that I should probably not have done. But such a chance I don't see as happening very often in life, especially under the circumstances that I, and people like me, am living in.

So there I was, getting on the City-train, going to my company's offices for a meeting. I get on the train car, the doors close, I start looking around at the faces of the people on the train car with me, as I have not been lucky enough to get a seat, I have to stand at the very front of the car, so many people just looking in my direction, its scary, I don't mind being looked at, but, now we are talking about giving people enough time to really study what and who they are looking at. These are the moments that kind of scare me a little. The Train arrives at the next stop, the doors open, and people file in and out. At the next set of doors down, a young man enters and rest himself against the door jam to the train car. We are mostly hidden from view from each other, but I know that it is a face that I recognize very well, for not to many years ago, we lived together. We have seen each other a couple of times since I moved out of the house with 4 of my friends, but had not really stayed in touch at all. But when we had been living together, I would like to think that we had gotten to be pretty close friends. The thoughts of what would happen if he looked over and recognized me from across the train car ran through my head, everything from it going horribly wrong to startling awesome and everything in between. I hate this feeling, every single possibility has a potential of playing itself out, ok, except that one with the guy in the banana suit and the trumpet dancing by in the middle of it.

Four stops we rode together before my stop arrived and I departed the train. Happy that nothing had once again come of the situation. I start to walk towards the train station to my destination, only to realize that he is walking only a couple people in front of me, and knowing how fast I walk I will quickly catch up to him easily. Again, and so soon this had to happen? Didn't even have time for a smoke between situations where anything can happen, perhaps this isn't going to be my day again, like it hasn't been for the last 6 straight. We walk in close proximity to each other for quite a ways after having exited the station, far enough I worried we might be going to the same place, but luckily he turns off eventually. The entire time he is having a smoke, making my very empty pack seem very bleak, I want nothing more at this point to go over and say hi, or at least bum a smoke from him. Happy I was when I no longer had to think about the temptation of a smoke, as I am trying my best to quit the habit.

I get to the office and have my meeting, events transpire and back drops get changed and everyone does a wardrobe change, I leave the office and head back to the train station. I had just missed the train car, as I was not going to run for the train, my shoulder is still a little twingy, and I would hate to slip on the ice. So I am standing on the platform waiting, realizing that my transfer is only good for another 8 mins before I need to pay again. Wishing nothing more for the train to hurry and come, I look down the platform and again see a figure approaching that seemed to now just be following me. We stood not to far from each other, I was not going to shy away from a situation, this was not something that I would let control my life, where I would run from anyone who might know Daniel, and not know Charlotte. The train comes and we both get on, the same car again. I take a seat that I am accustomed to on the train car, call it habit, but I like that one. I look up and sitting two seats away he looks at me. We both start to look out the windows of the car. It took two stops for an old man to come and sit and block the line of sight that we had. Four more stops to go, well, I had survived it all so far, I was sure I could make it that far.

Finally, I see the coffee shop Madi had lunch at that day, and the gem shop I love to go look in. I get up from my seat and move to the door to depart. I feel him come and stand next to me by the door. Again, he is getting off at the same place I am, what could his agenda possibly be this day? The train platform appears outside the car doors and we disembark. I realize all too soon that we both turn left to leave the platform. Well, 50% chance of that happening, have to roll with that one. We walk off the platform and stand, next to each other, at the street light waiting for the light to turn green. He pulls out his nearly full pack of smokes from his inner coat pocket as I look over, again with this temptation.

By this point I have taken all I can of waiting on the precipice of an event that keeps refusing to happen. Combined with the chaos of not know. I broke down. I turned to him and put on my best Charlotte voice that I could. Time to finally find out what has been bothering me for the last month.

'Hey, do you think I could buy a smoke or two off of you?' I asked, pulling my hair from my left eye and pinning it behind my ear, batting my eyes just a little.
'Yeah, have one, don't worry about it' He looked me right in the eyes as he talked to me. I knew I wouldn't have had to pay, he was like myself, we were of the pay it forward way of thinking. Because what smoker hasn't had one when they really needed one and had to ask another smoker.
He dug one out of the pack and handed it to me. I put it to my lips and turned slightly to the side, allowing my palm to shield some of my jaw line that I hate so much, and ask
'Got a light?' as I threw a hint of want into it.
'Of Course' he flashes me a wide smile of perfect white teeth. Damn!
He reaches over and I lean in and light my smoke with a couple puffs to get it lit. He pockets his lighter and I say thanks, with a slight raise of the shoulders and tilting my head to the left and putting on a happy smile. The light turns green and we cross the street, at the other side he turns and walks away. I stand and take a moment to take in everything that just happened. Not only did I just pass as a woman, and a playful one at that, but I also passed with someone who knew me well in my previous life.

I stood and basked in the ray of sunlight that shown on me. Proud I was with how far I had come with my transition, as when I started on this journey, I felt that a moment like this would probably never happen, that I would never really pass, even after work being done. And here I stood, not 9 months into my transition, not a single thing changed to my face, or even the addition of estrogen into my HRT regiment yet. Already surpassing my wildest dreams. What a day, I thought to myself, figuring that this was only the first of a lifetimes worth, it had to be, right? I guess I'll get to see just how things are with the family in a little over the week, which will be the first time for them seeing me since starting my transition. Oh I hope I don't kill Grandma.

• Mood: Artistic
• Listening to: Entire MP3 Collection on Random
• Watching: Pokemon - Jirachi wishmaker (movie 6)
• Eating: Cinnamon Rice Crisps, There like my chocolate
• Drinking: Water